Disclaimer: This is a story of love and love lost between two adult women.

Shit! Here I am again drenched in perspiration, which anyone could easily mistake for hormonal. I wish! I’ve got that part of my emotional upheaval under control, thank God, not so other parts of me.

Struggling out of bed, looking derisively at my disheveled appearance, in the shadows of the mirror I walk past, on my way to the bathroom. There, I see myself, as I really am, a sorry example of a human being. Who, instead of sleeping soundly at night, suffers the torment of ever increasing nightmares of what could have been. A shiver travels down my spine as I look at the dark patches under my eyes and the lost, lonely expression, deeply rooted in my eyes.

Splashing a copious amount of cold water over my face and neck, I jump at the change in temperature on my skin, a shock to the system.

Have you ever wondered what it must be like to have second sight, knowing what the future can hold for you, if you travel a certain path? I have, far too frequently, which usually is the reason for my bad dreams. I really shouldn’t be alone in my bed or in this house, but I made a poor choice and everything that could have been, is a mere memory.  Often, I let that depressing thought invade my life every chance.

Picking up a soft towel, I wipe my face and neck and look again in the mirror…well, I appear at least awake now. As I left the bathroom and padded along the corridor of my apartment to the kitchen, I was sure it was time to get up for work...damn...three AM, five more hours to go!

Actually, I’d rather be awake, then involved in the scenarios of my dreams that made me feel worse when my eyes were open. Making my usual mint tea, to help my drained body, I walked into the clean, tidy room that had matching furniture; all in all, I was doing well in the material things in life. As I settled into one of the easy chairs and toyed with reading a book, unconsciously my hand went to the remote, and the TV blared to life.

Reruns!

How ironic was that? I had those in my nightmares, and now, I had the luxury of seeing the best Hollywood had to offer, at this time in the morning. Flicking the remote, I settled on the music channel…it was a song I hadn’t heard. However, one that, as I listened intently, reminded me of why I couldn’t sleep and once more what could have been…

* * *

“Don’t do it Janice.”

“Why, I think it’s a wonderful idea.” Shirley, my friend at work, shook her head and looked down at her salad; she was a permanent dieter, not that you could tell. Her weight loss usually ended up a weight gain because she got so strung out with the process. I’d known her for over twenty-five years and she hadn’t changed a bit, except had married, divorced and now lived with her cat in a nice condo up town.

“Take it from me Jan, if you let the so called love of your life live with you well…” My eyes looked at her puzzled what did she mean exactly?

“What do you mean, so called love, I love Sydney, its not like we’re taking this lightly? We’re both in our fifties for God’s sake, certainly not children anymore.” My eyes flashed my hurt. Shirl might be one of my best friends, but she didn’t know how I felt. Right now she didn’t care for any kind of relationship since her marriage ended in such a disaster.

“Listen Jan, can we leave the topic for now? I have to go, I’m late. How about tonight, with the rest of the girls, you ask them their opinions.” Shirley flashed her eyelashes at me, winked and left me sitting there with my mouth open. What was I, the oldest child in the world? Sometimes I wondered about the choices I’d made in friends.  Shirl meant well, and I was sure the others would laugh at her nonsensical comment.

For the record, my name is Janice Quinsy. I’m fifty-two years old or young, and I prefer the later. I’m a receptionist at the local Doctors surgery; actually that’s where I met Syd, another story though. I’ve had a couple of short love affairs, nothing of real note, and I suspect I’ve never been in love until now. I’ve certainly never felt this way about anyone in my life, other than Syd. There I go again, anyone would think I was a teenager…mind you, I feel like one when I’m around Sydney; guess it must be love! In a nutshell, I’m one of those members of the community, who pay my taxes on time, keep out of trouble with the law, except I did get a speeding ticket once, but only once. I read thrillers, and even spend a few hours a week on the net. I have my own, middle-aged bulge, that no matter what I do, I can’t get rid of the extra pounds around the middle, although I’m not excessively overweight! Anyway, I’ve put it down to my hormones on the blink or at least it was…medication helps on that subject. I’m talking about herbal remedies with my doctor although, at the moment, just haven’t taken the plunge yet. We women can be callous bitches when our hormones are screwed, and I didn’t want to have anything that might put Sydney off me. I enjoyed the time we spent together and now I was thinking in terms of permanence.

My smile grew brighter as I paid the check, and tipped the waitress more than the norm. You see, that’s what love does to you, makes you do stuff you never would under normal circumstances. Who said love was just for the young! I was now going back to work and the chance to see the love of my life…wasn’t it great, we worked in the same building.

* * *

“She’s right, Jan, you haven’t known Sydney long enough. Take it from us, we know all about this type of thing.”

Kate, my best friend, gave me a compassionate look. I’d met her in high school and though we were only acquaintances then, ten years ago she moved back to the area and signed up at the surgery where I worked.

We traded life stories and have been friends ever since. She’s a single parent, her liaison with her son’s father, petered out to nothing before he was born. She then went through several other lovers, until deciding that love wasn’t for her…this week anyway. I did, however, know she always had my best interests at heart and thought me a touch naive.

“Sorry, Jan, I agree with them, you have to be cautious about these things, especially at your age!” Peg was usually quiet, she rarely said anything, but loved our company. Her relationship with an abusive lover in her late twenties had marred her from any other serious relationship since…except this friendship she allowed with us.

“Okay! Are you saying not to have Syd live with me? If that’s the case, give me one good reason.” I glared at them, folded my arms across my ample chest waiting; you’d think I needed permission to do this. How old did they think I was, in my teens!

Shirl looked around the others at the table; they nodded in her direction, shaking her head at them, “Oh, now that I’ve asked for reasons none of you can come up with one? Really, are you jealous, is that it?”

Kate lifted her hand at my outburst, “Jan, I’ll explain. We all love you and we don’t want you to go through any of the stuff we have in the past. Call it protecting our friend’s syndrome, all we are asking is that you wait a little longer before you do this. Once they live with you they get all kinds of rights you know and you’re not exactly poor, are you.”

I closed my eyes at the words, what were they saying? Syd was after what little money I had saved over the years…well maybe it wasn’t a pittance. I wasn’t a wealthy person by any means, merely careful with my money, and I had a reasonable nest egg to fall back on in hard times. “I can’t believe you’re saying this! Especially you Kate! You invite anyone back to your place, people have talked about you having a red light in your kitchen for the next visitor to know when you’re free!”

Oh God, what had I said. I saw the blood rush from her face and my best friend went as pale as a ghost. Shirl and Peg looked aghast at my statement, when had I become so cruel, never to my knowledge, until now.

“I can’t believe you said that, Jan, how could you?” Her voice was so quiet, shocked probably. I didn’t mean any of it, but hadn’t they goaded me.

I closed my eyes and looked down at the table, “I’m sorry.” My mumbled apology was hardly likely to be accepted. I saw from the corner of my eye, my friend rise from the table and pick up her purse.

“I’ll see you around.” She left the table and I could see the others staring after her; she looked totally dejected as she walked away.

How had I come to dispensing with friendships that had been hard fought over time, in a trivial disagreement about someone who, yes I might love, but hadn’t known as long; months in fact, not the years I’d spent with these women? They mattered to me, their opinions, friendship, being there for each other and in the euphoria of so called being in love, I was cutting that loose, how could I?

“Wait up Kate.” I shouted, scrambling out of my chair, heading towards the exit where my friend stood.

I stared at her; my sorrow at hurting her filled my eyes. Miraculously the hurt she felt at my comment slowly dissipated as she smiled at me slowly. “What have you to say for yourself?”

 “I’m sorry, Kate, for what I said, it isn’t true, I was angry.”

“I accept your apology, is that all?” Her eyes flashed at me in a teasing way I knew so well, and I’m sure often captured her lovers unaware until they were snared by her.

I looked down at my feet and shrugged, “I’ll give it a little more time.” There I’d said it and meant it, my word was my bond, always had been.

A tinkle of laughter was my reply as she grinned, placed an arm around my shoulders and dragged me back to the table were our other friend’s waited; all was now well in our little world once more. Sydney would wait for me, we were in love and it was for keeps, another few months wouldn’t matter.

* * *

Another few months turned into a few more, and Sydney didn’t wait!

“We’ve known each other for eight months, Janice, can’t we spend more time together?” Sydney spoke softly into my ear as we sat watching TV in my apartment. I loved the voice, the personality and touch of this very special person who had entered my life. Yet, that insidious voice of caution niggled away, as I shifted out of the loving embrace.

Clearing my voice, “How much more time?”

A delighted smile crossed the face of my love, “24/7 sound good to you, except when we’re working of course.”

 “I don’t know what to say, can I think about it please.” I knew that was feeble, a greater part of me wanted Sydney here in my apartment, a place I could call home properly, filled with love and wonderful shared memories, instead of the lonely ones I created on my own. It was everything I wished for, a fulfillment I never expected to have and here it was on a platter, all I had to do was hold out my hand and take it. How much easier could it get?

“Janice, I love you, what’s there to think about, we are both free, we love each other and frankly time isn’t exactly slowing down for us is it?” Sydney stared at me unable to understand my hesitation, how could I explain something that to my heart was ridiculous and yet the mind was adamant I continue this path.

“Please Syd, just give me a little more time and I promise…” My words were stopped in mid flow, as Sydney stood up abruptly, and walked over to the window overlooking the street, opposite the park.

“Don’t you love me, Janice, is that the problem? Do I have this all wrong and you don’t feel the same way, if it’s the case please tell me!”

The words tore at my heart that wasn’t the case at all. I wanted Sydney so much the pain in my chest felt like a shot to the heart, I was living cupid’s arrows, I swear. Could I tell the truth, that I was such an innocent in the name of love that friends were guiding me, whose opinion I was taking above the love of my life. Would it be better to say nothing at all?

I chose the nothing at all and Sydney left the apartment without another word.

Tears drenched my cheeks as I cried and cried and there was only one thing for it, I’d call my friends, talk it over they would help that’s what friend’s were for.

* * *

The song was ‘Home’ and as I surveyed mine it felt empty and cold as my heart did. There wasn’t any laughter or love bouncing off the walls. Wonderful memories of loving days and nights that in my final years, I can pull out and say yes I had a great time and spent it with someone I loved and who loved me.

I wasn’t going to creep gently back to bed, to be consoled by my lover for the nightmares that disturbed my sleep. I had to work on that all by myself. Each day I wake at whatever time, and it was usually far too early, as today had been. I want to turn back the clock to that evening when I was offered the joy of loving and being loved, which I rejected for the sorrow of loneliness and desolate dreams.

Ah, I can say I have my friends, and it’s true, I do. My heart is still a desolate wasteland and I wonder what could have been. Maybe the problem lies in that I know what could have been. I see it every night in my dreams, as they change to nightmares because of my weakness to accept a marvelous loving opportunity.

The song is finished now and another replaces it, one of young love and tender emotion a hope for the future. Perhaps I need to take that onboard, I know that the chances of me ever being able to say I’m sorry to Sydney and can we try again, flew out of the window the day I kept the door to my home closed.

As they say, ‘home is where the heart is and the exception proves the rule.’ Guess who ended up the exception!

Want to hear the real irony in all this, Kate wound up falling helplessly in love with the janitor in her building and they set up a home together a month later. I said the same to her as she did to me and the reply was totally, different.

“Oh no way Jan, I’m not letting love trickle through my fingers at this time in life, I might never get another chance.”

“I waited.”

“Yeah, and look what happened, you left Sydney dangling far too long. Why ever didn’t you just do what you wanted instead of listening to us old crones?”

“I thought our friendship was at stake?” my whispered distress was genuine, could Kate be laughing at me for my taking their suggestion to heart?

A tinkle of laughter, much like the one the night we’d disagreed, penetrated the air. “Don’t be silly, Jan, you’re my friend. Even if things had gone wrong with you and Sydney afterwards, I’d have been there for you…in fact, I was the night you broke up remember.” My heart broke there and then into a million shattered pieces, how stupidly gullible I’d been and they say you find wisdom with age, what, may I ask, happened to mine.

Here I am alone in a house without a heart, love or soul and whom can I blame for that, the truth, me, myself and I.

I go to work in the vane hope that Sydney will one day come out of the elevator as before, and look into my eyes with the sparkle that brought an answering spark to mine, though I know it will never be, I still have a hope.

If I ever get a next time…well things will be different. No matter how justified my friends felt in saying the things they did, I dearly wish they hadn’t sown the seed of doubt because it never goes away.

All I can say to everyone who reads this, as I stare at the clock and desperately try to will the hands to go back in time, please don’t let love get away at anytime in life, its way too easy to do and the feeling is far to precious to leave the decision to another.

Home often is bricks and mortar, but it’s heart lies in sharing it with someone you love, and who loves you.