|
|||||||||||
|
|||||||||||
|
|||||||||||
Journal entry: February 14, 2003 Choices. People make a hundred choices everyday. They are the only things in the world that belong solely to a person and the decisions we make shape the world we live in and the reality we choose for ourselves. The shadows of doubt and pain can fall upon us all, but with true perseverance we all can overcome our fear and become stronger for it. I used to really believe that until I woke up one day and realized that the bulk of my youth was gone. I found this journal the other day; I’d forgotten I even had it. I haven’t written in it in almost ten years. Rereading it I came to realize how utterly alone in the world I am and that I have no idea how to improve and change my situation. Everyday, I think about what might have been, a happy and content life that might have been mine. Regrets weigh heavily upon the mind and seem to wear me down more and more each day. I have friends of course, but no one I’ve allowed to really know me. I have woken up every morning for practically my entire life and willingly placed a mask upon my face. Played the part I thought I was supposed to play. Once upon a time, I actually had a reason to lose the mask. It didn’t last though. Fear and doubt overruled my already tentative spirit and events conspired to slam that mask right back upon my face. I’m tired of the mask I wear. It’s suffocating. I’m tired of not feeling, not knowing and not caring. Existence has become a burden to me and I’m just so tired. Tired of being someone I’m not. Tired of playing the role. Who am I playing it for anymore? I’ve forgotten. All that is left is pain and despair. It just doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore. I can’t do it anymore. I WON’T! The pain has to stop! I can’t take it anymore! I just want it to end. I’m not strong enough. I don’t know if I ever was. Goodbye. The brunette sat in the dimly lit office gazing distractedly down at the legal pad on her desk, a far away look upon her face. A single tear slowly tracked down the left side of her face and dropped wetly upon the words she had just written, blurring the blue ink ever so slightly. She reached up and roughly wiped her cheek. The look of anguish in her eyes was heartbreaking. “Alex!” a voice called from behind causing the brunette to jump and hurriedly pull a file folder over the half written page. She carefully schooled her features before she looked up into the face of the blonde intruder, a smile plastered upon her face. Geez, lady, I’ve been calling you for five minutes. Are you planning on staying here all night?” “Hey, Jen. Nah, I’ll be leaving in a little bit.” “C’mon, I’ll walk down with you.” “You go ahead, there’s something I need to do first.” “You okay?” Jen asked puzzled at her friend’s distracted manner and puffy red eyes. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Allergies, you know.” Alex replied unconvincingly as she shrugged and waved her hand distractedly in the air. “They always get me at this time of year. Shouldn’t you be getting out of here? It is Valentine’s Day after all, aren’t you and Tom doing something?” “Tom said it’s a surprise, he’s picking me up in a few minutes. You doing anything tonight?” “Nah, you know I hate Valentine’s Day, it’s just a holiday created to make single people feel bad about themselves. You go have a good time though, okay?” “Alex, if you need to talk, I’m here for you. Tom can wait. What’s up with you, you’ve been really melancholy today. Talk to me.” “It’s nothing to worry about, honest. Haven’t you ever had a day when it was just too much effort to be in a good mood? I’ve just been a little sad lately, that’s all. It’ll pass, it always does. Now you go on and have a good night, okay? I’ll see you Monday. I have a feeling everything will be much better then.” “It’s not, you know.” “Not what?” Alex asked confusedly. “Designed to make people feel bad, it’s a time when you’re supposed to show people how much you care about them. Friends and other loved ones, not just lovers and spouses, you know.” “Whatever,” Alex replied tiredly and then smiled “You’re such an optimist, Jen. No matter what happens, don’t ever change, okay?” “Nothing. I just meant in general. Don’t ever change. You have such a great attitude and outlook on life. I’d just hate for you to ever lose that. That’s all.” “I won’t, I promise. I mean what would you ever do without me?” she said glancing down at her watch. “You going to be okay?” “I’m fine, silly. Now go have a good time. Really, I mean it.” “I can stay, if you want to talk. Tom can wait.” “Honestly, I’m fine. Just a little out of it. We’ll talk later, okay? Really everything is going to be okay. We’ll do lunch on Monday. How’s that sound?” “Are you sure?” “Yes, now go before I call security and have them escort you downstairs.” “Well, Tom is probably waiting downstairs so I should go, if you really don’t want me to stay. Oh, by the way, Ms. Anti-Valentine’s Day, I got this for you. Feel better, okay?” That being said, Jen placed a red and gold gift bag with handles made of pretty red ribbon upon Alex’s desk. Sensing that she had overstayed her welcome, Jen gave her a quick wink and hurried out the door, yelling back as she went. “I’ll see you Monday.” ‘Great, now I feel like a complete jerk. Why’d she have to go and do that? God, I’m such an ass! ’ Alex berated herself as she tentatively reached for the bag and pulled out a little red teddy bear holding a heart that said-smile, someone cares about you. ‘Someone cares about me? If only that were true, Jen. If only’ she thought as she smiled at the happy little bear and turned her attention back to the journal, she turned it back to the very first page and began to read and remember another time.
Phoenix, Arizona--1992 Seventeen-year-old, Alexandra Dearborn hurried down the sidewalk through the quickly darkening twilight. Her breath puffed out in front of her as she clutched her coat closer to her body in an attempt to draw more warmth into her body. She glanced quickly at her watch and cursed under her breath as she realized that it was already almost 6:30 and she was supposed to start work at 6:00. ‘Damn, I hope Wendy’s closing tonight. At least she won’t bitch at me for being late,’ she thought as she turned the corner and walked into the Burger Palace parking lot. It was a shock walking from the frigid December air into the warm confines of the brightly lit dining room of the bustling restaurant. Alex quickly ducked behind the counter, shrugging off her coat as she went and hurried to the front counter to clock in. Charlie, the assistant manager, gave her a look of disapproval as he gestured deliberately at his watch. “You’re late, Alex. That’s the third time this week. I want to talk to you later in the office once we’re closed. Now get over to drive-thru and help Derek,” he growled as he pointed toward the gangly young man leaning out the drive thru window handing out a holder full of drinks. “Sorry, Charlie.” Alex replied as she rushed over to the drive-thru register and began to take orders. “Jerk!” she muttered under her breath as she looked at his retreating back and then turned her attention back to her job. “Don’t let him bother you, Alex. Life’s too short to let short little dictators ruin it for you,” Derek leaned toward her trying to catch her eye while she waited for the next car to pull up. “You coming to watch movies tonight with us? Dave and I are going over to Wendy’s to hang out and stuff.” Alex couldn’t help smiling at the feeling of warmth that spread through her chest at Derek’s reassuring tone. “What time? I’ve got to close tonight so I won’t get out of her until like 1:00 at the earliest. You guys will probably all be ready to crash by then.” “Aw c’mon, Alex. It won’t be the same without you. Please?” Derek wheedled and whined causing her to laugh. “Okay, you talked me into it. I just need to call home and let my dad know I’ll be late,” Alex replied as she plastered a bright smile on her face. Her smile faded as she looked up to see Charlie glaring at her as he told her to go clean the dining room. She grabbed a wet towel and walked around the counter out to the dining room. Time slowly passed as Alex watched the clock, waiting impatiently for closing time. She had tried repeatedly throughout the night to call home, but there was no answer. Business had slowed down and the crew began to make preparations to close and cleanup. Charlie thankfully had forgotten about talking to Alex and was grumpily sitting in the office doing paperwork and counting money, which left the rest of them to their own devices. “Alex, you about done?” Dave yelled from the kitchen. “You want to start dishes or filter the fryers? Your choice.” “I’ll do fryers, I guess,” she called back as she finished putting a new garbage bag in the last trashcan. “I’ll try to hurry,” she said to Derek as she walked behind the counter again and grabbed an apron and the fryer pump from the storage room. “No rush. I’ll be waiting,” Derek called back as he briefly glanced up and then resumed studying. Alex rushed into the back anyway and after carefully setting up the equipment began to drain the first of three fryers. While she waited for the fryer to finish draining she began to clean and wipe down the entire area. She was so engrossed in her work that she didn’t see the towel flying at her head until it smacked her clean in the face. “Damn it, Dave! I am going to kick your butt!” She yelled and then glared at Derek who had come ambling into the kitchen just in time to witness the attack and done nothing to stop it. “And you too Mister! Don’t think I won’t,” she growled as she tried to maintain her menacing expression. This lasted all of two seconds as she burst out laughing and proceeded to grab a plastic bottle of ketchup up from the food prep area and whizzed it at Dave. With a big splat it connected right in the middle of his chest leaving a huge red stain behind. Realizing she was in for it now, Alex raced toward the back of the restaurant where there was a faucet with a short hose attached for spraying off larger equipment and filling the mop buckets. She frantically grabbed the hose, pointed it defensively at Dave and warned him to stay back. He rushed in and grabbed her hands and as they struggled over the hose, Derek silently slipped behind them and turned the water on full blast. “GAH!” Alex screamed through a face full of water. “You are a dead man!” She yelled as she chased Derek out the back door into the freezing cold air. “Truce! I give up,” Derek called through chattering teeth as he walked back toward Alex, rubbing his arms trying to get the feeling back into them. They stumbled back inside just as Charlie wrenched open the office door and came barreling out yelling at the top of his lungs, wanting to know what was going on as Dave stood there innocently wiping down the counter as though nothing had happened. Just as Charlie passed the fryer area, his foot slid in a small patch of grease and he landed heavily on his backside. All three of them stared in stunned horror as Charlie sat there with a dumbfounded look upon his face. “Not one word!” He yelled as he got shakily to his feet and stomped back into the office, slamming the door behind him. The three youths stared at each other in shocked silence and then the struggle was lost as Alex cracked a small grin, which caused Dave to snicker, which caused Derek to chuckle and soon they were all laughing uproariously. Just then, Charlie wrenched open the office door and came storming out of the office again, causing them all to scramble back to their respective tasks. He just looked at them disapprovingly and stalked back inside indignantly slamming the door behind him. With a sheepish shrug of his shoulders Derek headed back out into the dining room and resumed his studying as his friends went back to their work with renewed vigor. Soon they were done and ready to leave. “You guys ready to get out of here? Let’s go.” A much calmer Charlie said as he shut off the lights and walked toward the three friends who were all bundled up and standing chatting by the front door. “Oh yeah, Alex, I didn’t get a chance to talk to you before.” A look of dread passed over Alex’s features as she turned and looked in Charlie’s direction resigned to her fate. “There’s a new girl starting tomorrow night, I want you to train her. Okay?” A confused look passed over her face as she began to realize she was not about to feel the legendary wrath of Charlie, oft spoken of in hushed tones and fearful whispers by the crew as though speaking of a cautionary tale or urban legend. “Okay.” Alex answered when she finally found her voice. “No problem.” “Good then. See you later.” Charlie said as he got in his car and drove away, leaving the three friends to walk the six blocks to Wendy’s house. On the way, Dave started pointing out different constellations to his friends, which sparked off a debate between he and Derek about the existence of aliens. Alex just loved to listen to them as they argued. They lived for the debate. Neither of them really cared about who won, they just loved the verbal sparring and mental competition. Alex envied them in a way because she lacked confidence in her own abilities and rarely joined in their discussions. “God, I have never seen anything so funny in my life,” Derek said with a grin through teeth that were starting to chatter. “Did you see his face?” “Classic!” Dave chortled as he and Derek began to play fight, chasing each other up and down the street as Alex walked serenely along on the sidewalk. “You guys are such boys sometimes, I swear!” Alex said with mock exasperation. “Yeah, but you know you love us.” Derek replied as he looked at Dave and nodded his head in Maggie’s direction. “Get her!” He yelled as the two of them pounced on her and began to tickle her mercilessly, causing her to squeal with laughter as they all landed in a jumbled heap on someone’s frozen lawn. “Quiet out there! Some people are trying to sleep!” A voice yelled from a darkened house further down the block. The three friends laughed as they scrambled to their feet and took off running down the street. After several minutes they finally arrived at Wendy’s doorstep their gasping breaths forming little clouds in the air. Their noisy arrival did not go unnoticed and the door opened before any of them could knock to reveal a pretty brunette with sparkling green eyes. “What are you guys doing out here? Come in before you freeze to death,” she said as she waved them inside and closed the door against the chill air. “Take your coats off. You guys want a soda or something?” “Too cold for that. You got any hot chocolate?” Derek asked as he threw his jacket on an unoccupied chair and sauntered into the kitchen behind Wendy. “I think so. “How’s that sound to you guys?” They all agreed as she pulled out the makings for hot chocolate and made a batch. They all gathered their hot chocolate and went and crowded together on the living room couch, arguing the whole way about which movie to watch. They had many options because Wendy’s mother collected movies and had over five hundred in her collection. Dave argued for “The Godfather” which no one else had seen, Derek, who was in the mood for a horror movie, wanted to watch “The Shining” and Wendy’s suggestion was “Ghost” which was immediately voted down by the guys with exclamations of “chick flick”. Alex didn’t really care so she didn’t make a suggestion, she was just happy to go along with whatever anyone else wanted. Dave finally won out and they put The Godfather in to watch. As the evening progressed, Derek eventually lay down on the floor and the girls stretched out on the couch each using one of Dave’s legs as a pillow. Eventually, they all fell asleep except Dave, who actually managed to watch the entire movie. This was what usually happened on their late night movie sessions, they would all crash and go home in the early morning. The next morning, Alex arrived home just as her father was getting ready to go to work. Michael Dearborn usually worked as a security guard at the mall in the evenings, so Alex was surprised to see him home. Alex’s mother, Celia, had walked out on her family fifteen years ago, leaving three-year-old Alex and seven-year-old Deanna behind. They hadn’t heard from her since and Michael refused to even mention her name. It was as though she had ceased to exist. Hard times and general bad luck had left Michael bitter and angry, as he drowned his pain in a bottle of beer and took his anger out on his daughters both verbally and physically. Growing up in this less than emotionally nourishing environment had made Alex a quiet and reserved child. As a young girl she was skittish around new people and didn’t make friends easily. She had a great deal of difficulty expressing her emotions or connecting with people on anything but a very superficial level. Alex didn’t really have any friends at school and mostly kept to herself, which is why it was a real miracle when she started working and met Dave, Derek and Wendy. Even with their gregarious natures and friendly attitudes it took them many months to get Alex to even spend time with them. Their tenacity was starting to pay off though as Alex had now begun to break out of her shell somewhat and open up to her friends. They were still unaware of the exact details of her home life and Alex did her level best to keep it that way, but they were the closest friends she had ever had. “Where have you been?” Michael demanded angrily as he roughly grabbed Alex’s collar and yanked her forward. “I’m sorry I’m so late, Dad,” Alex said to Michael who stood at the kitchen counter drinking a cup of coffee. “I went over to a friend’s house after work and fell asleep.” “Jesus Christ, Alex. Can’t you think of somebody other than yourself for once? You could have at least called me you know.” “I tried, but there was no answer. I was only with Wendy, Derek and Dave, it’s not like I ever go anywhere else.” “Don’t you dare talk back to me! I’ll teach you something about being respectful,” Michael growled as he brutally hit Alex on the side of the head, knocking her to the floor. “I’m sorry, Dad. I won’t do it again. I’ll keep trying until I get hold of you or I just won’t go.” Alex cowered on the kitchen floor, clutching her head afraid to look up into her father’s enraged eyes. “You just watch yourself, little girl. I will not have any daughter of mine be a whore like your mother. Do you understand me? Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Michael leaned over and grabbed Alex’s hair and roughly yanked her head up so that their eyes met. “We’re just friends, it’s not like that. I swear.” Alex whimpered as Michael twisted her hair even tighter around his fist and yanked again causing tears to leak from her eyes as the burning pain of her tortured scalp began to register. “Quit your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about! It’s not like any man would want you anyway. I have to go to work. I want this house spotless by the time I come home. Got me?” Michael sneered in disgust as he thrust Alex away from him. “Yes, Sir.” Alex sniffed and struggled to keep her tears from falling as she huddled on the cold tile floor watching her father’s retreating back, hatred burning in her eyes as a large purpling bruise was already beginning to form on the side of her face. Things had gotten progressively worse with her father since Deanna had moved in with her boyfriend, Jake, three months ago and now Alex was left to bear the full brunt of the abuse.
Journal Entry: December 19, 1992 God, I hate that man. I know he’s my dad and all, but why does he have to be such a mean bastard? It wasn’t always like this, was it? I can’t remember anymore, even when he’s not smacking me around he tries so hard to make me feel small. I want to believe it’s just the booze that my father is a good man, misguided and weak, but still a good man. I’m so tired of this. Only a little longer and then I’ll be able to get out of here like Deanna did. Well, maybe not exactly like she did. Dad did have one good point. “What man would want me?” I don’t know. No one has ever shown an interest in me like that and I haven’t ever felt that way toward anyone. There must be something wrong with me. Okay, now I’m really depressed and my face hurts like a son of a bitch. I have to work tonight too. Note to self: come up with a cover story. It’s not like anyone’s really going to care anyway. I better go clean now, wouldn’t want his highness to get all bent out of shape again. He’ll probably bend me out of shape. HA HA HA! That’s not funny! There is definitely something wrong with me. Later! Alex closed her notebook and put it back underneath her mattress. She had begun writing down her thoughts when her sister had left and she didn’t really have anyone to talk to about her dad anymore. It was good for her, nothing really changed, but at least she could vent on paper. She spent the rest of the day cleaning the house and killed the rest of her time reading. Finally, it was time to get ready for work and she hurriedly did, making a feeble attempt to cover the bruising with makeup. She rushed down the sidewalk in an attempt to get to work on time for once. She was only two minutes late this time, but Wendy was on shift that night and didn’t say a word about it because she was currently busy showing a young woman around the restaurant. Maggie mentally groaned as she clocked in and went in the back to wash her hands. ‘I hate training,’ she thought as she turned distractedly from the sink and almost walked right into Wendy causing her to jump back in surprise. “Alex, I want you to meet Angela Wainwright. Angela, this is Alex Dearborn, she’ll be working with you tonight, showing you the ropes and such.” Wendy smiled as she introduced the small blonde to Alex. She was pretty, with smiling green eyes and shoulder length strawberry blonde hair. “Angela, would you excuse us for just a second? I need to talk to Alex.” Wendy asked as she gently took Alex by the shoulder and pulled her aside. “What the heck happened to your face? Are you okay?” Alex, who had unfortunately become quite adept at explaining away her mysterious bruises told Wendy the cover story she’d thought of earlier. “I’m fine. You know how clumsy I am sometimes, Wendy. I was cleaning the house this morning and I tripped over the vacuum and hit my head on the end table. It looks a lot worse than it feels, trust me.” “Did you go to the hospital?” “Oh come on, it’s not that bad. I’m fine really.” Alex attempted to reassure her friend, who didn’t look very convinced. “Now, I’ve got some work to do. ‘kay?” Wendy looked as though she wanted to say more, but realizing how stubborn Alex could be, she let the matter drop as Alex turned away and walked back over to stand beside Angela. “You ready to get started?” the blond asked with a smile. “Sure. Let’s go.” Alex replied as she began showing the blonde some of her duties and explaining them as she went. As the evening passed, Alex was surprised to find Angela easy to talk to and soon began to enjoy the normally arduous task of training a new employee. By the end of the evening the young women were chatting like old friends. As they were getting ready to leave Wendy once again invited her friends over to hang out, including Angela in the invitation. “Are you going to go?” Angela shyly asked Alex as a slight blush began to creep up her pretty face. Alex really wanted to go, but having already faced her father’s wrath once this week, she didn’t have the strength to do it again. “Nah, not this time. I need to get home. You should go though; you’ll have a great time. These guys are nuts, but they’re harmless.” Angela thought it over for a moment and decided to go anyway, but seemed disappointed that her new friend wouldn’t be coming as well. “Come on, Alex. Please?” Dave stubbornly tried to change her mind. “We always have to convince you to come. What’s that about? Come on over, you know you want to.” “I really can’t. Next time, okay?” She replied with a sad smile and a shrug of her shoulders. “I promise.” “Okay. If you really can’t, I’ll let you slide this time,” Dave responded with a playful nudge. “I’ll hold you to that, you know.” “I know. I know.” “Do you need a ride home, Alex?” Wendy asked as they all went out into the darkened parking lot. Alex declined and after much debate with her friends, she convinced them to go without her and watched them drive out of the parking lot. She turned towards home and walked out into the night. She enjoyed the time walking home because it gave her time to think without all of the distractions life throws at people. She could think about things without the intrusion of her father’s anger or even the well-intentioned meddling of her friends. It was peaceful as she walked in the crisp night air and allowed her mind to range wherever it may. Weeks passed and Alex found herself with a new sense of freedom as Michael had begun working the graveyard shift at the local hospital as a night watchman so he would be gone until the early morning hours. Alex’s confidence grew as she found herself spending more and more time with her friends without the threat of her father hanging over her head. Practically every night they all went to Wendy’s house, playing games or watching movies. Angela had become a member of the group and by now it seemed she had always been there. The five of them seemed inseparable. “Alex! I’ve been calling you forever. Are you ignoring me or something?” “Oh hey Angela, sorry I didn’t hear you. This place is a zoo today. What’re you doing here?” “Shopping for a birthday present for my mom,” came the answer as the blond waved a bag under her friend’s nose. “What about you?” “Just looking around. I bought a copy of the movie Labyrinth and I was just going to head over to the bookstore and see what’s new.” “Cool! I absolutely love that movie. You mind if I tag along with you and then maybe we can go and get something to eat?” “If you want, sounds okay to me,” Alex answered with a noncommittal shrug of her shoulders, her tone sounding very tentative. The blonde gave her a puzzled look and then grabbed her friend’s hand and tugged her toward the bookstore. As they wandered around among the books, Angela would point out books with odd or funny titles to Alex in an attempt to get her to laugh. Finally, growing more and more confused by her friend’s monosyllabic replies and stiff body language, she dragged Alex over to the food court and made her sit down. “What’s going on, Alex? You’ve been more and more quiet and withdrawn since we bumped into each other. Are you mad at me or something?” “ If you didn’t want me to hang around you should have just said so.” Alex looked up from the tabletop that she had been studying with fascination ever since they sat down. She briefly met Angela’s concerned green eyes and blushing, lowered her eyes back to the table. “I can’t, you’ll think I’m stupid or something.” “Alex, I haven’t known you that long, it’s true. But if I were ever going to use one word to describe you it would never be stupid. I think you are one of the smartest and most interesting people I’ve ever met and I’d like to think that you are my friend. I never call friends stupid. Now talk, or else!” “It’s just that. I don’t know what to talk about. I haven’t had a lot of close friends, I do okay in a group because I can kind of fade into the background and just listen. When it’s just one on one, I have no idea what to say. I told you it was stupid.” Alex looked down again and refused to meet her friend’s eyes. “Oh honey, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone feels that way sometimes.” “Not you.” “Sure I do. My first night at work I was terrified. I didn’t know anyone, but then this charming and funny girl took me under her wing and made me feel welcome.” “Yeah, Wendy’s like that.” “God you really are stupid sometimes. I don’t mean Wendy, Goofy, I mean you. You made me feel like I was part of the crowd and had no problem talking to me then. Why can’t you do that now?” “I knew what I needed to say then, I guess. I don’t know.” “Well, don’t feel bad. I’d like the chance to get to know you better, Alex. I think we can be great friends. Just remember, I’m not judging whatever comes out of your mouth and I’m not going to laugh or make fun of you. Can we give it a try?” “I’d like that.” “Good. Hey, what do you think about going to a movie? They’re showing Far and Away at the Cineplex.” “Sounds good. Let’s do it.”
Journal Entry: April 27, 1992 Met Angela today at the mall. God, she is so great. I’ve never had anyone just say flat out they wanted to be my friend. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Wendy and the guys are great. They made me feel like I was a part of something and that someone else cared about me, but it was more like they just assimilated me, (cool word usage huh? Hee hee) rather than my having a choice in the matter. I will always be so grateful to them for all they have done for me and tried to do for me. They’ve tried to be there for me, but for some crazy reason I’ve never felt like I could open up to them. Angela’s different. I feel like I could tell her anything and it would be okay. I haven’t told her about Dad, but I don’t imagine I could tell anyone that. I’m just too ashamed. I feel pathetic, like it’s my fault he feels the need to use me as a punching bag. I know. I know. That’s completely retarded, but I can’t help how I feel. Anyway, she said she wants to be friends and I am gonna give it a chance. We’ll see what happens. Later! Time passed and Alex continued to spend time with Angela, whether it was just the two of them or spending time with the group and she found it easier and easier to express herself. Even going so far as to shyly speak up a few times when Dave and Derek got going on some debate or another. As the weather warmed up and became unbearable, they would all go swimming at Wendy’s house and wrap up the evening with a movie. For once the guys were outvoted and after much grumbling about “chick flicks” they all crowded together and watched “Fried Green Tomatoes”. Alex really enjoyed the movie and said as much when the movie was over. “You’re joking, right?” Dave asked incredulously a look of disgust marring his face. “That totally sucked.” “It wasn’t bad, I thought it was cool what good friends they were.” “Boy, are you out of it, Alex. They were a couple of dykes. I don’t want to see that. Do you?” “Were they? I guess I didn’t realize.” Alex became exceedingly uncomfortable as the guys began to rip apart the movie, which turned into one of their arguments. This one on the subject of homosexuality and whether or not it was right or wrong. As the guys debated, Wendy chimed in her two cents worth as well, all three of them unaware of the turmoil that they had generated within Alex. She was greatly disturbed by the absolute lack of tolerance amongst her friends on this particular subject. They had always seemed to be so open-minded and straightforward about everything else that the intensity of their feelings on the wrongness of homosexuality overwhelmed and confused her rendering her speechless. Throughout the entire debate, Angela remained silent as well. Later, as Alex lay in bed thinking, her thoughts wandered helplessly back to the movie and the huge debate that followed. Her confusion was great as she reexamined the events of the movie and tried to figure out why she hadn’t seen that the characters were supposed to be gay. ‘They cared about each other, took care of each other and talked to each other about everything and nothing. What’s wrong with that? Yeah, they didn’t show any physical stuff, except for that one time Idgie kissed Ruth on the cheek.’ She couldn’t help but see the similarity between the onscreen relationship and her own relationship with Angela. ‘Is it any different? I mean, we tell each other stuff and I know I can always count on her and she knows the same. Angela’s hugged me or kissed me on the cheek lots of times and I liked it. She made me feel special. Am I gay?’ This thought itself didn’t bother Alex, what did scare her though was the fact that it didn’t disturb her. Remembering back to the fervent arguments raised by her other friends, Alex decided that this was a dangerous train of thought and decided to try not to think about it anymore and try to get some sleep. Finally, she fell into a restless sleep, her dreams a Technicolor replay of the movie with herself and Angela cast as the leads. When she awoke her thoughts were still troubled by what had transpired the previous day, so she sat down to write.
Journal Entry: June 6, 1992 Saw the movie Fried Green Tomatoes last night. I really liked it, but all hell broke loose when the guys went off on the whole gay issue. I didn’t even realize the characters were supposed to be gay. It really bothered me how negative and intolerant they were about the whole thing. Even Wendy got into it toward the end and the general consensus was that “homosexuality is wrong” and gay people are freaks. I just don’t understand, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay so long as two people love each other and they are consenting adults. Gender shouldn’t matter, so long as there is love. It’s not like there’s a whole hell of a lot of love in the world as it is. I didn’t say anything though because I don’t want to lose any friends over this. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have them in my life. I don’t want to be alone anymore. They care about me and nobody has done that in a really long time so I guess I will just have to mentally agree to disagree with them and keep my mouth shut. What does Dad always say? Oh yeah, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and they usually stink. That seems to be appropriate. Ha ha ha Later! Alex smiled at her little joke as she put down her pen and wandered downstairs to get some breakfast just as the phone rang. She hurried through the kitchen door and slid quickly across the tile on her sock covered feet managing to knock the phone from its cradle in the process. “Hello,” she answered breathing heavily from her exertion. “Hey, goofy girl, what’s up? Is this an obscene phone call or something? I thought they called you, not the other way around,” Angela’s smiling voice came through the receiver. “You work today?” “No, miracle of miracles, I’m actually off. Do you?” “Nope. Do you want to do something today? Maybe catch a movie or something?” “Sounds like a plan. When?” “I’ll be there in half an hour, be ready. And think about what you want to do.” “Geez! In a hurry much? Okay, I have to jump in the shower still, but I’ll be ready when you get here. See you in a bit.” “Okay, Bye.” Angela said as she waited for Alex to hang up the phone. “You still there?” “Yeah, hang up.” “You hang up.” “You first.” “God, we are the silliest people ever, now I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” Angela waited again for the distinctive click of the phone being hung up. “Will you hang up already?” “You first.” Alex laughed mischievously as she listened to the exasperated sigh on the other end of the line. “You are such a dork. I just want you to know that. I’m really hanging up now. I’ll see you in a little bit. Bye.” Alex waited for the click on the other end as she chuckled triumphantly and hung up the phone. With a glance at the clock she rushed back upstairs and jumped into the shower. Not quite thirty minutes later Alex stood waiting on the front porch for her friend to pull up. As fate would have it, Angela arrived just as Michael pulled into the driveway and was getting out of the car a twelve pack of beer in each hand. With a groan, Alex jogged down the cracked asphalt to her friend’s car and was preparing to get in when her father’s voice stopped her. “Hey, Alex! Get over here!” Michael called over to her. Alex timidly walked over to Michael and quietly waited to see what he wanted. “Where are you going?” “I was just gonna spend the day with my friend, Angela. We’re probably going to go to a movie or something.” “Okay, but be home early. I want this pig sty cleaned up when you get home, got me?” “Yes, sir. It’ll be done.” “Go on then, your friend is waiting,” Michael said with a rare smile and nudged her toward the waiting car. “Remember what I said though. Home early.” He called to her as Alex nodded and walked back over to her friend’s car with a slight spring in her step. “What was that about?” Angela asked curiously. “Everything okay?” “Oh, yeah. It’s fine, I just can’t be out too late.” “No worries. Did you decide what you want to do?” “Well, there’s not really anything I want to see out at the theater. I was thinking though, how about we do a daylong movie marathon and pig out fest. I’ve never really done that before and I always wanted to. If you want that is.” “My dear, that is a brilliant idea. Let’s do it.” Several movies, two pizzas and many tons of junk food later found them both crashed out on Angela’s bed asleep. They had gravitated toward each other in their slumber and Alex awoke to find the small blond comfortably snuggled against her side with an arm and a leg draped over her. Alex didn’t know what to do. She felt so comfortable and safe, but at the same time she knew that she should move so her friend wouldn’t be uncomfortable waking up this way. She began to extricate herself from Angela’s death grip when a sleepy green eye opened and looked up at her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to crowd you,” Alex apologized in embarrassment and nearly flew out of the bed as though it were on fire. “Nothing to be sorry about. It looked to me like I was the one sleeping on you so don’t worry about it. It felt nice. I should have warned you I was a snuggler. What time is it, anyway? I feel like I’ve been asleep forever.” Alex smiled sheepishly at her friend as she stretched lazily and glanced over at the clock radio on the nightstand. “That can’t be the right time, can it? It can’t be after nine already. Oh shit! I’ve got to go. Can you drive me home?” She rushed around frantically looking for her shoes hurrying her friend along as she went. By the time they pulled up in front of Alex’s house, after spending fifteen minutes searching for shoes and keys and such before they could leave, it was already almost 9:30. Alex breathed a sigh of relief as she looked at the darkened windows and after bidding her friend farewell she trotted up the driveway. She hopped onto the unlit porch and had just turned to wave to Angela when a voice rumbled from the shadows. Startled, Alex glanced to her right and saw the shadowy figure of her father sitting in one of the deck chairs, a pyramid of empty beer cans were stacked precariously beside him. “Where the hell have you been?” Michael’s alcohol roughened voice whispered angrily. “Wave goodbye to your little friend and then we are going to go have a nice chat about what we consider early in this house.” Alex shakily opened the door and waved again to her waiting friend who then pulled away from the curb. In a blur of motion, Michael charged at Alex and shoved her roughly through the partially open door, knocking her forward to land awkwardly on her hands and knees on the hard wood floor of the entryway. Alex turned and fearfully looked at her father’s angry face as he slammed the door behind him, until her attention was drawn downward to his waist where he was now industriously removing his belt. Michael looped one end of the belt over his fist leaving the buckle to hang loosely partway to the floor. “What did I say to you earlier?” he slurred as he advanced upon her prone form. “I said be home early, didn’t I?” “Yessir you did. I’m sorry, Dad. I fell asleep. It won’t happen again, I promise,” she pleaded as she scooted backwards on her behind in an attempt to distance herself from him. “It’s always something with you. I think it’s time for another lesson. You’ve been getting awful uppity lately and don’t think I haven’t noticed you been staying out late. I’m not an idiot and I’ll teach you what happens to people who think I am.” Alex scrambled to her feet, her only thought to get to her bedroom and lock her door until he sobered up, and tried to run down the hallway. She heard a sound like a whip crack and felt herself falling as her world exploded in pain. Crack! Crack! Crack! It went on and on as the metal buckle connected repeatedly with her back and shoulders until finally the darkness claimed her and she surrendered into unconsciousness. Alex awoke slowly, a little disoriented because she knew her eyes were open, but she couldn’t see. She jerked up in a panic before she realized she had been lying on her stomach with her face in the pillow. It was too late though, the millisecond of relief at not being blind paled under the agony newly awakened in her back. With a whimper she closed her eyes, tears flowing uncontrollably down, and willed herself up. Alex shakily arose from the bed and staggered into the bathroom to assess the damage. The t-shirt she had been wearing the previous day was now glued to her back in places by patches of dried blood. Stifling a cry, she gingerly raised the shirt over her head and turned her back fully to the mirror. A multitude of angry purple bruises dotted her skin and several cuts oozed freshly, having been torn open again when she ripped the shirt away. She swayed woozily for a moment, steadying herself using the sink, and took the hydrogen peroxide out of the medicine cabinet. Alex carefully removed the rest of her clothes and turned the shower on. She stepped under the warm spray and settled the peroxide on the shampoo shelf. Tears leaked from her eyes and mingled with the water, as she stood unmoving under the gentle spray leaning her head back to wet her hair. Ever so cautiously, she finished washing up the best she could, turned the water off and grabbed the bottle of peroxide from the shelf. With a whimper she opened the bottled and then proceeded to dump the entire contents out to liberally cover her back. Black spots fuzzily swam across her vision as she swayed for a moment and then with great care stepped from the tub and tentatively dried her back with a fluffy bath towel. Alex moved slowly into the kitchen blatantly ignoring Michael who sat at the kitchen table. He dropped his head, unable to meet her eyes and began to studiously read the newspaper as she limped over to the telephone and called work to tell them she wouldn’t be in that night. Unable to bring herself to come up with a cover story, she simply said she wasn’t feeling well and left it at that. “I’m sorry, honey. I don’t know what came over me. It won’t happen again, I promise. Can you please forgive me?” Michael pleaded piteously as he stood up from the table and crossed over to Alex, tentatively drawing her into his embrace. “I just worry about you so much sometimes and it makes me crazy when you don’t listen and then I lose control. I’ll cut back on the booze, okay? I’ll do better, Baby, I promise. I love you.” “I know, Dad. I know. It’s gonna be okay,” Alex replied resignedly as she lay her head upon his shaking chest as he sobbed uncontrollably. “I love you, too.” Alex spent the rest of the day in her room, Michael guiltily fussing over her as he brought her lunch and then left her to her own devices. Alex felt so exhausted and slipped into a restless sleep as soon as she finished eating not stirring until late the next afternoon. Luckily, she was off work that day and could just relax and try to regain some of her strength. Monday night came quickly and Alex once again was on her way to work. Halfway there she was startled by a loud beep and a shout of “Hey Baby! Need a ride?” right behind her as she made her way down the sidewalk. “I have good news to tell you!” Turning quickly caused a jolt of pain to shoot up her back, as she was surprised to see Angela’s smiling face looking out of the car window at her. Her smile faded as she saw the look of obvious pain cross Alex’s features. Pulling quickly to the curb, she jumped out of the car and rushed to her friend’s side. “What’s wrong, honey? Are you okay?” she asked concernedly as she put her arm around Alex’s shoulders. Alex gasped softly and Angela jerked her arm away as though burned. “Oh my God, are you all right? What happened?” “Nothing, I’m fine. I just moved wrong, that’s all. I strained a muscle in my back.” She replied as moved stiffly away. “It’s fine, really.” “That’s not “strained a muscle”, you’re moving like a ninety-year-old lady. Now tell me what happened. Don’t make me get rough with you.” The absurdity of that statement struck Alex funny and she could stop a sarcastic chuckle from slipping out. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I’m fine, honest.” “No, it’s not okay. You are my friend and I care about you. You’re in pain and I can’t bear to see you this way. I know something is terribly wrong. Now please, I’m begging you. Tell me what happened. I’m not going to just let this go, so you might as well give up and tell me.” With a sigh of resignation, Alex stiffly walked over the to the passenger side of the car and got in, calling to her friend as she did so. “Do you mind? I think I need to sit down to tell you this, okay?” Angela hurried over to the car and got in and expectantly looked at her friend. “Do you remember Saturday when you picked me up and my Dad was there?” “Yeah, what’s that got to do with anything?” “Will you let me tell it my way, please?” “Sorry, go ahead.” “Okay, did you hear what my Dad said to me as I was getting into the car?” “Yeah, he said be home early. You were home by ten on a Saturday night, what’s the problem?” “Will you let me talk? Geez!” “Sorry, I’ll shut up.” “Anyway, Dad has very set ideas on how he wants things done and when things don’t get done how he wants, he gets a little mad and sometimes he drinks.” “Oh my god, are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?” “Yes, if you’d let me talk for more than two seconds. I got home later than Dad expected and he’d been drinking and one thing led to another and he punished me. He apologized the next morning and swore to me he’d never do it again. I just want to forget about the whole thing, I should know better by now than to make him mad.” “Let me get this straight, you’re home before my 12 year old cousin’s curfew and your Dad got mad, got drunk, flipped out and hit you?” Angela yelled incredulously. “I want to see.” “No.” “I’m not going to argue with you on this, Alex. Now let me see.” At Angela’s demanding tone Alex turned painfully in the passenger seat and slowly raised the back of her shirt up to expose her bruised flesh. Angela gasped at the ruin that was her friend’s back and she began to cry. “Jesus H. Christ! What did he do to you? Tell me, Alex,” she sobbed as she reached forward and gently laid her warm palm on Alex’s ravaged back. “I will kill that son of a bitch. How could anyone hurt you like that? You are one of the kindest, sweetest and most wonderful people I’ve ever know.” Angela sobbed uncontrollably as she gently lowered her friend’s shirt back down and Alex turned back toward her. “I’m okay, sweetie. I promise. It doesn’t even hurt as bad as it did. I’ll heal and then this will all be just a bad memory,” she soothed as she pulled Angela across the middle console into her comforting embrace. Angela buried her face in Alex’s neck and cried for her friend, who in such a short time had come to mean so much to her. Finally, Angela’s tears began to wind down to a sniffle and she tried to compose herself as she still held tightly to her friend, not yet willing to let go of her needing the reassuring warmth to prove that that Alex was okay. “I can’t bear the thought of someone hurting you like this. Has he ever done this before? Please, I need to know.” “Not for a while and never this bad. He’s smacked me a couple of times, but this is the worst it’s ever been. I think he scared himself with how out of control he was. I really think he won’t do it again.” “I know, you can come stay with me. You shouldn’t be in that house if you’re in danger. I swear to God, I want to kill that man for hurting you like this.” “Calm down, honey. I really am going to be okay and I’m only going to be there until I can save a little more money and then I can get a place of my own. You’re not going to get rid of me that easily so don’t worry. Okay?” “I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you, Alex. You’re my best friend and I love you.” Angela leaned back, studying her friend’s profile for a moment and then moved to kiss her friend on the cheek. The moment before she made contact, Alex turned her head to say something to the blond. All words were gone from her mind as their lips met briefly and then Angela withdrew and placed her head back on the brunette’s shoulder. “I am at your service, my lady. Shall we go?” “You are such a nut. Do you know that? Oh yeah, what’s your news?” “I’ll tell you later. It’s not important.” “Well, obviously it is to you. Now tell me. What’s up?” “I got accepted to Stanford, full scholarship and the works.” “Holy shit! That’s awesome. I am so proud of you,” Alex responded as she reached out and hugged her friend again. “I always knew you were going places. When are you leaving?” “I leave here on August 28th, so I have about two and a half months left. I’m really going to miss you, Alex.” “Let’s not think about you leaving right now, okay? I’m just so proud of you. We need to go out and celebrate. When’s your next day off?” “Friday, what about you?” “I was off on Friday too, but I offered to work during the day because they are shorthanded on the schedule. I’m off at three though, so we can still do it on Friday. Now don’t make any plans because we are going to celebrate like you wouldn’t believe. I have to see what everyone else works and see if they can come too,” Alex looked perplexed as she noticed a scowl briefly flit across her blonde friend’s face before being replaced by a mild smile. “What’s the matter?” “Nothing, you’ll think it’s stupid.” “I would never think you were stupid. I think you are probably the smartest person I know. Now give.” “It’s just, I kind of wanted to celebrate just the two of us, you know? Don’t get me wrong, I love the others, but I wanted to share this with just you for now. I mean you played a large part in me getting it and all.” “What did I do? You did it all on your own and you can’t tell me otherwise.” “You believed in me and not a lot of people have done that. I love you, Alex.” “Love you too, Sweet Pea. Okay, just the two of us then. Cool?” “Cool. Now let’s go.”
Journal Entry: June 15, 1992 Angela knows about Dad. I was walking to work when she pulled up beside me and noticed how stiffly I was moving. She about blew a gasket; I thought she was going to kick his ass there for a moment. It actually made me feel really good to know how much she cares about me. How can I feel so good and so bad at the same time? She told me she’s leaving in like two months to go to school clear on the other side of the country. I thought the pain in my back was bad, but it doesn’t even compare to my heart breaking. And then to top it off, she kissed me! It was an accident, she went to kiss me on the cheek and I turned my head so she got my mouth instead. God, I’m so confused! It felt so good. I shouldn’t be feeling this way! She’s my friend and that’s all she ever will be. I’m such a coward, but I’m so afraid if I said anything to her about what I was feeling, she’d head for the hills and I’d never see her again. Better to just bide my time until she’s gone and then get on with my life somehow. Yeah, I think that’s the smart thing to do. After all, she’s leaving and I know if anyone ever found out how I feel about her I would lose everything. She’ll be gone; I can’t risk losing the others. I don’t want to be alone again. I think I’d rather die instead. I’m going to go now, I’m too depressed and I just want to go to sleep. Later! After a day that seemed to last a week, three o’clock finally came and Alex rushed home to shower and change before her evening with Angela. She had the evening all planned in her head and was looking forward to spending some time with her friend. Angela arrived precisely at 3:30 to pick Alex up. The two friends were chatting animatedly as they walked toward Angela’s car, only to be interrupted by Michael pulling into the driveway. He didn’t say anything as he nodded to Alex and then looked at Angela who was staring daggers at him. Lowering his gaze in shame he slumped his shoulders a bit and went inside without comment. “Bastard! I’d like to teach him a lesson,” Angela growled as she stared angrily at his retreating back. Attempting to diffuse the situation, Alex reached an arm around the angry blonde’s waist and absently rubbed the small of her back as they walked to the car. “Things have been much better. He hasn’t touched a drop since that night. He’s actually been nice. I’m not going to hold my breath or anything that it will last, but he’s even gone so far as to start doing some of the house cleaning. I even caught him doing laundry one day. It’s a lot better now than I can ever remember. Don’t worry about it, okay? Now let’s go have some fun.” “I still don’t like it, but if you say so. Where are we going?” “It’s a surprise. I wanted to find something fun that we haven’t done before.” “Tell me, please,” Angela whined. “You know I hate waiting. Please. Please. Please.” “God, you are too impatient. Okay, this is what I was thinking. First a trip to Haunted Trails so I can kick your butt at mini golf, then mess around in the arcade and then a nice dinner. What do you think? Sound like a plan?” “Sounds great! Let’s go.” Little did Alex know, but Angela was a mini-golf pro and resoundingly thrashed her as they went through the entire course. Each hole adorned with a different movie monster. She consoled herself with the discovery that she was the far superior go-cart driver though, so it was all right. They spent several hours having a good time until their hunger overwhelmed their competitive spirit and they decided to go eat. As they walked to the car, Alex stopped next to the oversize Wolf Man that stood at the entrance. She laughingly linked her arm through his plaster one and winked at her friend. “Nah, I don’t think so. I figured you’d go for someone far less hairy.” “He’s not so bad.” “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to him,” she cracked a grin and then burst out laughing as she ran toward the car in an attempt to evade the brunette who was playfully chasing her. Alex proved to be faster though and caught up to her friend just as she reached the car and pinned her to the side of it tickling her mercilessly. Angela laughed hysterically as she tried to avoid Alex’s persistent hands. Their eyes met and the laughter died on their lips as for just a moment they leaned toward each other. As their breath mingled, Angela seemed to come to her senses and took a step back. With a hitching sigh she tried to act as though nothing had happened. “Okay, I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. When do we eat? I’m starting to feel lightheaded.” Alex looked at her in confusion for a moment and then snapped back to reality as she mentally shook herself. “Right now if you want. Let’s go, I guess I could eat,” she replied with a shaky laugh. They rode in uncomfortable silence all the way to the restaurant, the tension finally eased somewhat as they bantered playfully over what to order. The light happiness of the evening had passed though and they both knew it, yet neither knew what to say or how to acknowledge what had happened, so they simply didn’t. Alex feigned tiredness when they were finished eating and asked Angela to drop her off at home. When they arrived, she stiffly hugged her friend and bade her farewell as Angela sadly watched her retreating back.
Journal Entry: June 19, 1992 Okay, today was a great day. Or I should say it started out that way. Yeah, I had to work earlier, but Angela and I went out to celebrate her college acceptance. Okay, call me crazy, but it felt a lot like a date. I admit I don’t have much experience when it comes to such things (okay none, I admit it-now back off!), but I’ve seen a lot of movies and it felt like what I’ve always thought a date was supposed to be. Does that make sense? We were having such a good time and then I had to go and ruin things by almost kissing her. I could tell she was uncomfortable afterward; she did a pretty good job of covering it though. Well, I guess I have my answer, she only thinks of me as a friend. God, I am such a fool, it’s just that she makes me feel so good and I can’t help feeling drawn to her and I think about her ALL THE TIME. I can’t believe I almost destroyed everything and lost my best friend by doing something so stupid! I am such a fool. Okay, here’s the new plan: avoid spending time alone with her. It will totally suck, but she’ll be gone soon anyway. Time for some damage control, she’s going to be moving on and I’m going to be stuck here, the same old loser I was before she came into my life. God, I’m so depressed. I’m going to go lay down now, maybe I’ll be lucky and the earth will swallow me up in the night. It could happen! Later! Alex put her plan in motion, seeing Angela only at work or if the entire group was going to be involved. At first it seemed like Angela was hurt by this, but then she seemed resigned and everything went back to some semblance of how things had been except there was now a new distance between the two friends that hadn’t been there before. Time seemed to fly by as well until it was now only a couple of weeks before Angela was to leave for school. “Alex, I need to talk to you. Can I please see you after work?” Angela stopped her friend as she walked by with a gentle hand upon her arm. “It’s important,” she added, a hint of pleading in her tone when she saw her friend’s hesitant expression. “Can’t you tell me now?” “No, it’s private. Please?” “Okay, I’m off at eight, I’ll wait until you’re done,” Alex said with a neutral expression on her face which changed to a smile when she saw how her blonde friend’s expression lit up with a happy smile. “Thanks, I appreciate it.” Afraid of what her friend needed to tell her, Alex nervously paced outside in the sultry August heat, walking from one side of the parking lot to the other. Dark clouds hung in the sky and the threatening rumble of thunder could be heard in the distance almost as if nature was attempting to mirror her mood. She frantically ran scenarios through her head, trying to glean more information from her previous encounter with the small blonde. ‘What could she want? She knows how I feel. Oh shit! Can that be it? Oh, please don’t let that be it. I’d like to at least have my last memories of her be good ones,’ she thought as fear pierced her heart and she continued to pace and began to mutter softly under her breath. “You ready to go?” Angela called over to her as she exited the building. Alex ambled over and silently got in the passenger side of the car. “Not here, okay? I want to go somewhere private so we can talk. I need to tell you something.” They rode in silence until they arrived at their apparent destination which was a small, deserted park located not too far from their work. As they parked the car, gentle raindrops began to dot the windshield like tears from the sky. “Okay, now tell me what’s going on. Please.” “Bear with me. This is difficult for me. We’ve gotten pretty close wouldn’t you say? Except for the last several weeks, I mean.” “You are without a doubt the closest friend I’ve ever had, I mean that with all my heart.” “I feel the same about you, that’s why this is so difficult for me to say. I don’t want to lose that friendship.” “And you never will, no matter what. I will always consider myself your friend,” Alex said resignedly as she expected the worst. “Okay, here goes. I love you.” “I love you too.” “No, I mean I’m in love with you. I tried to fight it so hard, especially because I knew you didn’t feel the same way,” she held up her hand to silence Alex when she started to speak and then looked away, disconcerted by her friend’s shocked expression. “Please, let me finish or I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to say it again. I’m a physical person sometimes and I don’t really think about it when I touch people, it’s just seems natural to me. And to be honest, I just love being close to you. You make me feel so safe and cherished, even if that isn’t what you intended. I could always tell how uncomfortable you got whenever I got too close to you and you got so weirded out when we fell asleep together and ended up snuggling. I knew you couldn’t possibly feel the same way, but I was determined to not lose your friendship no matter what. So I vowed to keep my distance, at least physically anyway. Then disaster struck when I lost control and almost kissed you in the golf course parking lot and when you completely withdrew from me, I knew I’d gone too far. Especially when you started avoiding being alone with me at all costs. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and even though I know you don’t feel the same way, I don’t want to lose your friendship. I know I’m leaving soon, but I don’t want to lose you, Alex. I have never cared about anyone the way I care about you and I needed you to know that,” she finished with a shaky exhale and timidly met Alex’s blue gaze. “I was afraid. I can’t lose you, Alex. It would kill me.” “Oh, honey, you won’t lose me. I love you so much it hurts.” Alex leaned over and tentatively kissed Angela. An electric shock went through them both as their lips met in their first real kiss. That one kiss led to many as they made up for lost time and tried to devour each other like a starving man with a steak. Finally, the need for oxygen became a serious problem as they reluctantly withdrew from each other. “I don’t know about you, but I am wiped out. I feel like I just ran a marathon,” Alex gasped as she smiled mischievously at her love. “And won.” “Me too. I feel great, but kind of raw too. You know? It’s like I’ve been carrying this burden on my shoulders and suddenly it’s just gone. I feel light, like I might just float away. Much as I would like to stay here and make up for lost time, I think we should go before things get out of hand.” “You’re right. We’ve got some time and we need to talk. Tomorrow?” “It’s a date,” Angela replied with a goofy smile. “One more kiss before we go?” “Just try and stop me,” Alex leaned over and captured waiting lips. Several minutes later they left and Angela dropped her new love at home.
Journal Entry: August 14, 1992 SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME! Oh my god, I have never felt this happy in my entire life. Angela pulled me aside at work today and said she needed to talk to me. I thought for sure she knew how I felt and was going to kick me out of her life forever. We drove to that little park about a mile away and I swear she scared the hell out of me. She was so flustered and then she said it. She told me she loves me. WOOHOO! I can’t stop smiling; it’s the most amazing feeling ever. Anyway, she gave me this little speech about how she knew I couldn’t feel the same because I got so uncomfortable sometimes when she’d touch me, but she didn’t want to lose me as a friend because she cares so much about me. Little did she know I was fighting the urge to ravish her. He he he. We are both so silly (it’s okay to say that now, since it’s all working out okay) because we were both so scared of what the other was going to say that neither of us said anything. And we kissed. Oh my god, my whole body felt like a stick of dynamite and she was the match. I have never in all my entire life felt sensations like that. God, what will it be like to make love with her? I feel giddy; I think I need to sit down. Oh yeah, I am sitting down. That’s good. Nothing else matters, but that she loves me. I feel complete. Okay, I need to calm down so I can go to sleep. The sooner I go to sleep the sooner tomorrow will come and then I can see her again. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. I AM IN LOVE AND SHE LOVES ME BACK!! I will never get tired of saying that. Nothing else matters to me, but her. Later! JJJYYY The next day found Alex bouncing around with limitless energy and a permanent smile affixed to her face. Michael was puzzled by her demeanor, but took it in stride as he sat down at the kitchen table to eat breakfast. “You’re in a good mood this morning. What gives?” “Nothing, Dad. I’m just in a good mood. Can’t someone be in a good mood around here?” “It’s just been a long time since I’ve seen you so happy. It’s a wonderful sight to see. Baby, I think things are finally going to be okay. What do you think?” “Right now, Dad, I think anything’s possible. Gotta go. I’ll see you later,” she called over her shoulder as she actually skipped out of the back door. Michael sat there a dazed look on his face and then with a smile and a shake of his head he picked up the newspaper and began to read. Alex jogged determinedly toward Angela’s house, her feet picking up speed the closer she got. Until gasping for breath she rang the front door bell and bent over trying to catch her breath. The door opened to reveal Angela’s smiling face as she shook her head at the brunette and pulled her inside. Angela took Alex by the hand and led her up to her bedroom. Alex looked around curiously as the door closed behind her. “What did you want to show me?” “This,” came the reply as suddenly Alex had an armful of amorous blonde who was kissing her quite soundly. “I missed you,” she gasped as she came up for air. “I missed you too, you’re all I could think about all night. I couldn’t sleep because my mind was going a mile a minute thinking about you and the future.” “Future, hmm? I like the sound of that. Well tell me what you came up with.” “Not much actually. I mean you are going to school halfway across the country, but I figure we can see each other on holidays and breaks. And I can try to save some money to come see you too.” “Or I can stay.” “Baby, that’s not an option. You are destined for so much more than slinging hamburgers all day, I won’t be selfish and let you give up this opportunity for me.” “You have the potential for more too. Why don’t you come with me? We could get an apartment together and find jobs. I want you with me.” “That won’t work either, Honey. Your housing is paid for already isn’t it?” At her love’s nod she continued, “I can’t let you give that up so you can get a job and help me pay half the rent on an apartment when you should be focusing on school, not worrying about making rent. We’ll think of something, I promise. We just have to realize we aren’t going to solve this before you go and deal with it, I guess.” “I don’t want to deal with it, I want you with me. I love you,” Angela said in frustration as she stomped her foot on the floor. “I love you too, but be reasonable. Hey, are we having our first fight already?” “We’re not fighting we are discussing, there are many subtle differences between the two. Okay, we’ll try the whole visiting thing, but you need to start saving your money, because only seeing you a couple times during the year is not going to cut it. You know, you could always just move there with me.” “I think that’s probably going to be the best idea, but I need time to get more money saved before I can do that. Tell you what, while you’re there you can keep on the lookout for an apartment for me, okay?” “Okay, sounds like a plan. Now come here you gorgeous hunk of woman. Gimme some sugar, Baby,” Angela laughed uproariously at her shocked expression, pulled the brunette to her and kissed her solidly on the lips. Alex’s response was instantaneous as she lifted her blonde love into her arms and gently laid her down upon the bed where they lay kissing and touching until things started to get out of control and Alex pulled gently away from Angela. “I think we need to stop. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’m ready for that next step just yet. I feel like I’m going to explode as it is. I think we need to slow things down a little, don’t you?” With a resigned sigh, Angela nodded her head and then snuggled down against Alex’s chest. They lay there cuddling for the rest of the day, talking about all of their hopes and dreams for their future together. They spent their remaining days together in much the same way, not quite ready to take that final step, but getting closer to the line each time they were together until it only seemed a matter of time.
Journal Entry: August 26, 1992 Well, two more days and Angela’s going to be gone. I will be so sad without her here. It will give me an incentive to get my act together and get out of here though. Just the thought of her sweet face and I feel as though I can do anything. I’m supposed to go over to her house tonight at eight. We talked about it and I think tonight’s the night we are going to finally take our relationship to the next level. We both feel like we’re ready. I’m a little scared, but I want to do this before she goes. I need to show her exactly how much I love her and it’s to the point now that I practically crave her touch like a drug or something. God, I have turned into a complete ball of mush, but you know what? I couldn’t care less, no one could feel as much as I do for her and not have the same thing happen. Things are going so well, Dad is taking me out to lunch today. The change in him is simply amazing, it’s like he’s a whole new man. I haven’t seen him touch a drop of booze since that night (you know the one I mean) and he’s helping around the house, doing laundry, keeping up the yard. I think I even saw him wash a dish the other day. You know it’s funny, I was thinking the other day about that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes. I remember how confused I was about everyone’s reaction and how scared I was that they’d find out about my feelings for Angela. Now that we’ve admitted it to each other, the rest just doesn’t matter to me. I’d shout it from the mountaintops. If we had real mountaintops, Phoenix is a valley after all. Ha Ha. Anyway, it’s like the worry just faded away and I feel like I can do anything so long as Angela is by my side. Oh, I hear Dad calling me. Gotta go. Tonight’s the night! Woohoo (I’m scared to death though) Later! Alex set down her pen and closed her journal as she grabbed her wallet and raced out of her bedroom and down the hallway. She bantered cheerfully with her father as they piled into his old Chevy and drove away. Angela walked purposefully up to the front door of Alex’s house and rang the doorbell. Her agitation was apparent as she knocked heavily on the door. With a sigh of frustration she sat down to wait, looking at her watch every few minutes. With a resigned sigh she pulled a piece of paper and pen from her purse and began to write a note. Several minutes later she tucked it carefully into the door jam, placed a kiss upon her palm and then lay her palm flat against the front door. She turned and looked longingly back at the house as she got in her car and drove away. A few hours later, a laughing Michael and Alex drove up. Alex hopped out of the car, calling to her dad that she was going to check the mail. Michael gave a wave of acknowledgement and ambled up to the front door. Noticing the sheet of paper sticking out he snagged it and was just about to open it when Alex called to him. “Hey Dad, do you think I could borrower the car for a little bit? Angela’s leaving the day after tomorrow and I want to get her something special for a going away present.” “Sure, Honey,” he replied as he tossed her the keys and watched her affectionately as she maneuvered the old car out of the driveway. With a shrug he let himself in and closed the door behind him. Remembering the paper clutched absently in his hand, he opened it and began to read.
Alex pulled into the driveway, whistling as she exited the car because she had found the perfect gift for Angela. It was a delicate pink rose meticulously crafted out of fine blown glass. Proud of her choice, she opened the door and entered the house hurrying to her bedroom so she could get ready for her date with Angela. A startled gasp escaped her mouth as she looked at the devastation that had once been her bedroom and then she noticed her father sitting at her desk. Her journal clutched in his white knuckled grasp. Knowing with absolute certainty that she was in danger Alex turned to run out of the house, but Michael was faster. He caught hold of her hair and wrenched her back into the room, slamming the door to block any chance of escape. “What the hell is this?” he shouted angrily. “Are you some damn dirty dyke? Answer me!” He screamed as he threw the journal in her face. To shocked to say anything Alex just cowered where she hand landed the shattered pieces of her gift scattered all around her. “Don’t bother, you words have betrayed you and I know the whole story. Do you think I’m a fool?” Alex grunted as his foot connected with her stomach and she began to gasp for air. “Please Daddy, don’t do this. You’ve been doing so well, don’t let the bottle win.” “I am stone cold sober you queer bitch and I am going to teach you once and for all what happens to clever bitches like you who think they can play me for the fool. Just like your mother, infected by some goddamn dyke bitch and leaves her family behind. I won’t let you do the same, I’ll kill you first and then I’ll hunt down this fucking Angela and take care of her too,” he punctuated each sentence with a kick or a punch until Alex lay there only semi conscious and in utter agony. “No, Daddy. Please don’t, I love her,” Alex whimpered brokenly. “Love her! You can’t love her, it’s unnatural. All you dykes are the same, you just need a real man to show you what’s what. I’ll show you Celia, you’re not going to leave me ever again,” Michael said as he continued to pummel Alex. “Daddy stop, I’m not Mom. I’m Alex, please stop,” she pleaded as he rained down blow after blow upon her tortured body. The last thing she heard before her awareness slipped away were sirens.
Journal Entry: November 9, 1992 It’s been a very hard couple of months. I got out of the hospital finally a few weeks ago. Dad is in a psychiatric hospital and they aren’t holding out much hope he’ll ever see the outside again. I’m kind of torn about that, I mean he is my father even if he did almost kill me. The doctor’s told me the whole story, or what they could get out of him anyway. Apparently, Mom left him for another woman and he never got over it. Then when he found out I was gay it just caused something to snap inside of him and all of that rage he had for Mom ended up directed at me. He even thought I was Mom when he did it. The police found us in my room, thank God for our neighbors. They heard the screams and called the police. If they hadn’t I wouldn’t be writing this, I’d be dead. Dad was huddled in the corner rocking back and forth say “never again” over and over and I guess I was a bloody mess on the floor. As it was, I was in a coma for three weeks and I guess I flatlined twice, but they were able to revive me. I had a broken hand, broken hip, 3 broken ribs, a ruptured spleen, a fractured skull, internal bleeding, a broken nose, and massive contusions on most of my body. Also, from what I hear I had the most spectacular set of black eyes that Derek had ever seen. I was released finally and have been staying with Wendy ever since. She’s been a godsend in all of this. She, Dave and Derek barely left my side while I was out. They said I kept asking for Angela and crying out for her. Stopping now, this is too painful to write. TBC later!
Journal Entry: November 9, 1992 cont. Okay, I’m back. I needed to pull myself together. I have not heard anything from Angela. No calls, letters, nothing. I can’t help feeling like she left me. Where is she? I loved her so much and when I needed her where the hell was she? I can’t deal with this right now, I don’t know if I ever will be able to. I gave her my heart and she just trampled it into the ground like so much garbage. Nothing, not even a Dear Alex letter. I’ve gone beyond the sadness and am boiling mad. I told Wendy everything and she’s been really supportive. She thinks I should try to find Angela, but I can’t. It hurts too much, I feel like she played me for a fool and I can’t bear the thought of her laughing at me when I show up on her doorstep. I will never forgive her for leaving me. Ever! I can’t write anymore about this right now, I doubt I ever will be able to. Later! (maybe)
February 14, 2003 Alex solemnly closed the journal, put it in her desk drawer and reached over to turn off her desk lamp. Gathering her belongings she stood and walked toward the door, making a last minute decision she turned back around and pulled the journal out and turned and left. Alex drove blindly down the dark and rainy streets. She’d made her decision about what she was going to do, she just needed the courage to do it. ‘I’m sorry, Jen. I just can’t do it anymore. It’s too hard.’ Alex pulled into the parking lot of the first bar she encountered and went inside. Ironically, it was a lesbian bar. This seemed to suit Alex’s sense of the absurd and with a humorless laugh she stepped up to the bar and ordered a screwdriver. She downed it in two quick drinks, sat down clumsily on one of the barstools and asked for another. She was into her third when a hand settled upon her shoulder. “Are you okay?” a gentle voice asked her. “No, not really. It’ll all be better tomorrow though, trust me,” she replied as she turned to face the owner of the hand and nearly fell off the stool. It was Angela. “Holy fucking shit!” She exclaimed before fainting dead away. Alex opened one bleary eye and looked curiously at her surroundings. All she could see was a partially open window with pea green curtains flapping lazily back and forth. She had absolutely no idea where she was. ‘Maybe I did it. Maybe I’m dead. Nah, heaven wouldn’t have ugly curtains like that, unless of course this is hell? Oh boy.’ With a great deal of confusion she struggled up from the nest of blankets she had been cocooned within and scanned the room around her. A figure sat on the sofa, upon closer inspection Alex could see that she had not been hallucinating last night and it was in fact Angela. She also saw that her journal was open in her lap and she was periodically wiping tears from her eyes. She looked up and her watery gazed held Alex transfixed for a moment, but Alex looked away and the spell was broken. “I need to leave, where did you put my shoes? I have a very important engagement today.” “We need to talk.” “I’ve said all I’m going to say, now just let me get out of here.” “I’ve read your journal, do you really think I’m going to let you leave without talking about what I read. Especially the last entry.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about, now I have to go.” “Is there some special significance to the fact that you end all of your entries with Later, yet the last one says Goodbye? I think there is and I’m not letting you go anywhere until we talk. You owe me that much, Alex. Please?” “Fine, so talk already.” “I don’t know where to begin.” “Like any good storyteller, you start at the beginning.”
Journal Entry: February 14, 2004 Choices. People make a hundred choices everyday. They are the only things in the world that belong solely to a person and the decisions we make shape the world we live in and the reality we choose for ourselves. The shadows of doubt and pain can fall upon us all, but with true perseverance we all can overcome our fear and become stronger for it. I used to really believe that until I woke up one day and realized that the bulk of my youth was gone. I wrote those very words a year ago tonight. I almost did something very stupid. I think I was really going to do it. I’ll never really know for sure and I’m glad. I hope that I would have gotten through the pain, but part of me is inherently a coward whose first instinct is to run away. Life is going pretty good right now, Angela and I have managed to forge a new relationship out of the wreckage of the old one. I hope that if something’s meant to be it will happen. I hope life will keep going as good as it is right now. Most importantly, I hope. That’s something I haven’t done in a really long time and you know what? It feels pretty good. “Hon, you ready to go?” Angela called from the living room. “Yeah, Babe. I’m coming.” Alex replied as she put down her pen and closed her journal. A content smile graced her face as she shut the light off and exited the room, quietly closing the door behind her. The End |
|||||||||||
This is copyrighted material, all rights reserved. It may be reproduced, duplicated or printed for personal use only. |
|||||||||||
It may be reproduced, duplicated or printed for personal use only. For all other uses, please contact Pegasus |
|||||||||||
© 2000 by Webster Web Designs |
