And I Hold You

Days become weeks, months
Slowly your once proud body fails
Quietly contemplating all life's pleasures
You turn away from everything and everyone
I am a stranger
And I hold you

Impatient or unwilling to complete the process
Your family can no longer be there to watch over you
Friends are gone, involved with their own living or not
You are alone
And I hold you

The pain increases, medications no longer erasing it
You whimper softly, too weak to cry out or speak
Your skin is translucent
Pale lips tremble in a silent prayer
You are not alone
And I hold you

A minister comes to offer peace that you're beyond hearing
Liquid brown eyes gaze out, unseeing
A single tear flowing
Long delicate fingers which once held wonder can grasp no more
And I hold you

There is no drama, no last declaration
You struggle for a breath that is no longer there
Your heart flutters and stills
I am a friend
And I let you go

© by kay   (6-2001)
In Memory of Raquel Renee Hermitte, friend and bard

 

A Monster and a Monster Within

A little girl stripped of her dignity
Becomes a woman, stripped of her humanness.
Where there was once laughter, playfulness and joy
There are only tears, hatefulness and fear.

To do his biding after all these years
The former prey becomes the caregiver
Swallowing whatever is left of her pride
Offering solace and words of encouragement
To the monster that she knows lies inside.

To turn her back and walk away
Or to try to move forward and live in disguise and disgust
Knowing that with every touch a little more of who she had become,
Gets tossed aside.

An empty shell, a carcass, a bell clanging to others in warning
Be wary, there is danger here.
Yesterdays come back in a rush
Filling all the tomorrows with dread.
The parts that care and the parts that hate,
Warring inside.

There is no choice but to move forward
To keep secrets and to hope that someday
There will be a judgment and perhaps justice.

© by kay (4-2002)

EPILOGUE: DEATH WINS

We fight and we fight,
And there is still nothing we can do about it.
Death always wins.

The monster passed away last night.
Yesterdays are finished,
Tomorrows are no longer filled with dread.

He suffered, wracked with pain
Fighting for every breath
He was beyond help, beyond comfort
Beyond the reach of caregivers
No family at his side.
And then he was
Gone.

Now left to move forward with life
To forgive, to forget,
To never forget.

To feel anger, pain, deceit, peace.
Satisfied that a job was fulfilled.
To feel disgust at what he was
Or saddened at what I had become.
A product of his handiwork.

Am I vindicated?
I am beyond all of that.
For I feel
Nothing.

© by kay (5-2002)

A YEAR AGO...  

We met, writing tentative messages
Each learning about the other
Perhaps bonding
Sharing our hopes and dreams
Talking about our families and their lives,
Our lives
We laughed about the incongruities
About people we know and those we allow to enter

A year ago
We begin to understand each other
Seeing foibles in others and in ourselves
We supported each other during illness, surgeries
Our own and in those we love
We were each other's champions
Encouraging the other to lead the best lives we could

A year ago
Through doubts and misunderstandings
We survived, learning to trust each other
The choices we made of partners or friends
We encouraged each other to see the potential
Ignore the possibilities
Remember the passion

But now the  year is over
Our lives have changed
The mistrust apparent in your  words
The choice you have made
No longer allows me into your life
Now I am shunned
By you and friends I thought I had
You are able to go on seemingly unaffected
And I will go on

The year is over
I say I understand
But in reality I don't
I don't understand how I became a
Disposable friend
How easy it is for you to cast me aside
Pretend that I never existed
I asked for friendship
Nothing more
Now it is done
And I have learned..
Thank you for the valuable lesson.

Kay  (3-2-2003)