The lights are low, the crowds are excited, the throbbing of the bodies in the seats testament to the wonderful atmosphere created this evening folks!

Forget football! Forget soccer! Forget Baseball!

Tonight…for one night only…we have for your delight and purrrleasure!

A sparkling, dazzling and, dare I say it, seeexy Ladies night! Let’s hear a resounding hand for the one, the only….

Dragonlady’s mud wrestling gals!

It’s gonna keep you on your toes and send you dropping to the depths of despair as your favourites battle it out for the title of mud wrestler supreme or should that be soprano, whichever it may be, let’s sit back and introduce the amazing, the fantastic, the witty, but chilled out referee for the evening...Ms. Dragonlady herself!

Yeah, yeah, boo hiss…don’t get yourself dirty ref.

As always, Dragonlady, resplendent in a cotton crisp white shirt over flimsy see through seaweed colored shorts, has her cane in hand for the naughty dealings,

Way to go ref.

The usual hip flask attached to the rings of the shorts carrying…what do we call it folks?

Tea!

I didn’t hear that folks?

Are you deaf, TEA!

For those of you who have just tuned in and never been here before, the Dragonlady is a hard-nosed ref. If she gets a speck of mud on any part of her body she takes immediate action…ah, now you’re gonna ask what action?

The folks out there know…let’s educate the newbies. What does Dragonlady do with offenders?

Canes them! Sin bins them and scolds them with a ban!

Dragonlady turns and snarls at the crowd as she smoothes an invisible crease from her shirt and walks to her pit position over the circle of mud, her hand rising slowly to signal she’s ready for the players to present themselves.

Here we go folks, what we’ve all been waiting for. Our favourites are about to enter the forum! First out of the dressing room or for this occasion…undressing room…

Four time champion of yesteryear, growling for a rematch with her arch rival is…Guttermind!

Guttermind, shrouded in a sombrero and cape worthy of any matador of her standing, strides purposefully forward to take her position on the left hand side of the ref’s position. Her well muscled shoulders, thighs and body, a testament that age isn’t going to take her down. Guttermind means business as her flashing brown eyes and cynical smile take in the crowd. She’d had enough of playing second fiddle to that upstart…a change in tactics were going to work for her tonight, she was certain.

Now, for the contenders who are ready and willing to do anything, and I mean anything, to take the prize tonight. Let’s here it for…Kiltgirl! Kiltgirl is dressed in a family tartan and, from all accounts backstage in the dressing room, she has a secret weapon. No further details folks, but we know this one usually can’t help herself in the sleazy department.

Alongside her, Sideline, our shy, retiring, and often misunderstood favourite of the bookies. She’s never won a title yet and still the punters flood bets on her. Who knows, it could be Sideline’s night tonight. Let’s watch out for her folks, they say the quiet ones are always the worse.

And, playing the fool, and acting out with the audience, our energy girl herself… Proactive! Who can’t help but root for the bubbly woman as she wears that ridiculous tit contraption an eccentric inventor friend of hers made up, as her …close your ears oh blushing ones…removable attention grabbing costume.

Last, but not least, our champion of the last two Ladies nights, the one…the only young pretender herself, T-Rex… way to go young dinosaur chick. All you folks out there with their tongues hanging out better close up or you will get it bitten off by those sharp teeth our champion sports when she’s angry.

The fanfare heralds the champion who prances forward pushing past Proactive and slamming Sideline in the gut to take her place to the right of the ref whose lips curl at the violent behaviour and gives thumbs down to her action.

Boo, hiss…give her a break Ref!

The crowd is incited already as the lights go up on the mud ring. The sloppy yet sleek bronze mud beckons invitingly to the itching to get on with it, contenders. Kiltgirl is really getting into the flow as she scratches at something under her kilt…could be an irritation of some sort. Well, it won’t be long before that itch is scratched and it won’t be her doing.

Now, to our play-by-play commentator, former world champ, Titillating TT.

Good evening folks this promises to be the event of the year. The crowd is wild, but all silence as Dragonlady raises her hand and points in the direction of the mud; her carefully modulated tones ring out as she gives out the last warning…

“No dirt in my direction, any speck on my clothes and you’re out of there, (her cane flicks back and forward as she speaks and a feral look, in differing degrees, glares out to each player) and finally…my word is law!”

A guarded look of pleasure as the Dragonlady curls her lips and shouts as loud as possible…Let the game begin!

Splash! Plonk! Squelch! Squish! Slick mud rolls off the equally oily bodies, coating them all in its wonderful bronze tanning tone as they move around and find their footing…only who will take first blood in this competitive wrestling of tactics, guile, daring and audacity.

T-Rex grabbing Kiltgirl with a resounding splat in the centre of the mud, what a devious first attack, but anything goes folks.

Proactive is waxing lyrical again, ‘splat can be such a satisfying sound’ with Guttermind about to attack from behind, a frontal attack would be fatal with those false tits.

Kiltgirl finally raises her head above the mud cloud and sees Guttermind in her view and places a well muscled…thigh in a tender part of her anatomy and brings her down with a crash, mud flying in every direction. Fortunately the ref is too busy to notice that a fleck attached itself to the hem of her shorts

Guttermind spluttering and cussing like the trooper she is,‘you're in for it now, Kiltgirl.’ A feral grin on her slimy covered face.

As always, Kiltgirl relishes it all. Her girly voice from the tight clinches a testament to her need for constant attention… ‘wahoooooooo’

T-Rex is now jumping on top of Guttermind as Kiltgirl is released sliding sensually onto the side of the mud circle to watch and take a much-needed rasping breath. Oh, the pleasure of the heated bodies is all her eyes are telling everyone. No surprise the tickets for the front seats are worth a king’s ransom.

Kiltgirl yells out, ’be careful, Guttermind, it is slippery in… here’

With a glance from Guttermind to T-Rex, they both turn to Kiltgirl and drag her unresistingly to the centre of the mud bath.

T-Rex, it would appear, has made a pact with Proactive who swings Guttermind towards the energy ball waiting for her tag partner to give up a goody for her to share.

Kiltgirl implores, ‘get your elbow out of my mouth, T-Rex, I can think of better places for it.’ Sultry words indeed.

Proactive swings Guttermind sending her swirling in the mud towards the current champion, who can’t quite grasp the intrepid old champion, ‘T-Rex really wishes she could pick me up and fling me at the Ref, don’t’ ya?’ Brave words are spoken with a glint of the eye and a flash of once pearly whites now speckled with droplets of slimy mud.

Guttermind signals to Sideline, who is truly taking after her name by lounging relaxing as far away from the action as possible, for some help. Sideline, the only one still in pristine condition in the mud bath, drops her lashes coyishly and smiles, then goes back to buffing her nails with a shy shrug of her shoulders. As Guttermind grabs T-Rex by...the hair, she shoves her face into mud.

The ref sees the speckle of mud on her shorts and growls into her microphone, ‘I'm the referee, I've just had a nice shower…be nice.’ Grinding her teeth at the lost opportunity to raise her cane and point to the sin bin at the offending contender who has taken first blood of the evening on her person.

Sideline whispers to Kiltgirl, ‘psssttt your kilt is up in back.’

Proactive is making mud pies or that’s what it appears…no, no it’s mud balls, now this could get messy.’

The crowd hears it and shouts out, ‘are you nuts, Proactive?’ They know what the ref’s like if she gets dirty, they don’t call her Dragonlady for nothing.

Proactive’s lovely teasing grin accompanies her reply, ‘nope -- gotta throw a bit of mud around --sharing is good, right?’

Oh and the crowd loves the idea as a crescendo of applause and cheers greet the sentiment.

Kiltgirl is looking a little rattled as she pushes down the offending garment. She really should have taken this off earlier. Her muttered words and did we really hear that…her secret is out, ‘darn that kilt and hairy thong.’

A Hairy thong?

There is hushed snickering going around the crowd as they wonder what kind of weapon a hairy thong could be. As the commentator, I wonder too…Kiltgirl certainly likes to surprise us, folks.

Guttermind is whispering to the others, something is afoot ‘we need to splat towards the ref...we don't do clean around here, right?’

Sideline’s still enthralled by the new weapon from Kiltgirl, ‘oooh that's what that is. I was wondering, does it come…’

An even louder bubble of laughter stopped Sideline in her tracks as the following action takes place.

T-rex jabs Guttermind on the nose and grabs Proactive by those tremendous false boobs throwing her on top of Kiltgirl! What a show, folks, the only one not in the action…as usual, is Sideline, but that could be a thing of the past as T-Rex begins roving for more action and her glittering mud caked lashes settle on our shy contender.

Kiltgirl does the unthinkable! She belly flopped next to Dragonlady’s area to get the ref muddy!

Proactive,‘hey -- leave my boobs alone -- I just got them’ as she pushes them forward and they clank on Guttermind’s forehead, I call that a close encounter of the breast kind.

A jeer goes up from the crowd at my attempt at humour because believe me no one wants to see the face of Dragonlady. This woman is fuming, snorting fire as we speak.

Guttermind asks, ‘you ever lent your boobs out, Pro?’ Followed by an evil grin and scrumptious leer.

A growl is emanating from the microphone and that can mean only one thing…TROUBLE. The contenders, caked in mud, peer like cats in the night at the Ref who is about to do the unthinkable.

T-Rex tries to ward of the inevitable as she puts an arm around Kiltgirl and kicks out at Sideline to have her join the foray.

Kiltgirl grimaces, this is not good, as Proactive gets in there good and dirty, her false tits dangling in an inviting way over the unfortunate player who now has to contend with another foreign body.

‘Oh no, the silicone is leaking out! Yuck, what a mess. Who designed these, it’s worse than the ones I had in plastic surgery. At least mine look real!’ Proudly pushing her breasts out for everyone to see the nipples, which are protruding on parade.  A whop of excite overwhelms the crowd as wolf whistles and catcalls reign out. Now everyone knows why Kiltgirl is in the ring, not for her powers of attack, but her other more seductive attributes and what of the hairy thong?

Oh no, it’s happening! Proactive has the ref’s foot in her grubby mitt and is trying to over balance the ref into the gook, giving a good yank in every effort to have the Dragonlady play.

Proactive makes her second mistake of the evening when she looks down at her sadly deflating pride and joys, ‘oh no, these are my super boobs. Rexie only gave them to me a couple of weeks ago. Oh look, Rexie, look what she’s done to me.’ the whining is so loud everyone in the arena knows.

Isn’t that a no-no, taking a present from an opponent? Maybe there’s more to this than meets the eye and you wouldn’t have an eye if you met those on a dark night.

Guttermind, having taken a well-earned breather, is looking over at the Ref. Everyone else seems to have forgotten that the Dragonlady is law. If she plays her cards right she could win this by having all the others sin binned, no one said they had to play fair.

‘Remember, Ref, you have to be in the middle to make sure we really don't get out of hand, look at the way they are all ignoring you.’ Looking down at her filthy nails and smiling innocently nodding her head to the other four all massed in the middle of the mud.

Dragonlady gives Guttermind a sharp glance as she strokes her chin calmly, calm before the storm some would say. Her voice picks up in strength, ‘hey, leave me out of it, Proactive, or you will be taken out of the game for a five minute penalty, might be for good if I have any mud on my shoes!’

Guttermind grins in satisfaction, almost one down only three to go. ‘Ah, Ref, the pretty ones that light up?’

Dragonlady looks down at her glowing red glitter shoes, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. They were made especially for her, although someone had described her as the wicked witch of the north, who cared!

Proactive sullenly looks at the Ref and petulantly replies, ‘will not, I will just worm back under the ropes and into the action, you can’t make me!’

T-Rex, annoyed at the slip from Proactive…she was way too talkative, grabs Proactive by her hair and throws her down in the mud jumping on top of her and causing the crowd to wolf whistle even louder, could there be romance here?

Dragonlady snarls back at the now indisposed Proactive,‘we aren't playing tag team with the ref as the bait, you know.’

Spluttering under the ministrations of T-Rex and we all wonder what that is. We find out quickly when the champion now throws the false boobs out of the ring into the eager crowd triumphantly.

‘But...but...but -- thought we could, where’s the fun in not having Tag?’

‘I’ll play, I’ll play, can I be the pompom cheerleader?’ Oh typical Sideline, she will do anything not to get physical.

What’s this we see? Kiltgirl, upset that all the attention is on T-Rex and Proactive, she’s tagged the REF! ‘Dragonlady, tag, you're it.’

Guttermind sees another opportunity as she shivers with a squelch and plods next to the outrageously foolish, in her opinion, Kiltgirl. ‘Oh good one, Kilt, but you could have used the ploy that there are times when we get thrown at the ref,’ winking at the shamefaced woman who now knows she’s in big Trouble! ‘Oooooooooooo, Kiltgirl, you got the Ref right on the kisser.’

Dragonlady is breathing fire as she flicks her cane at Kiltgirl in a none too happy way. ‘Oh noooooo! You made a mucky mark on my white shirt, Kiltgirl! You’re given 10 penalty points…in that sin bin now!’

Kiltgirl gives the Ref a seductive wink, ‘hey, you can never be sure about these things, always worth a shot.’ While she whispers to the rest who are grappling with each other grunting and moaning with a splatter here and a suck of… mud there. ‘YIKES, I think she is angry.’

Guttermind, knowing she has Kiltgirl on the ropes, grins, ‘just a tad.’

Kiltgirl climbs into the bleachers to sit with Sideline who decided to take the opportunity of a break and sit in the heat of the lights baking her skin covered in mud.

Proactive, now free and apparently easy…flips over in the mud wallowing around like a rhinoceros might, remarking that Kiltgirl is a chicken for doing as she was told.

‘Hey, Guttermind, let’s go grab Dragonlady. With the two of us, she’s bound to join the fun.’

Kiltgirl, who is not amused since no one helped her when she splat the Ref, crows from her position, ‘bruck bruck.’

T-Rex decides to attack Proactive from behind as Guttermind sings out with a teasing grin, ‘you sound more like a turkey, Kiltgirl.’

Enough is enough! The Ref is being dragged further and further into the mud arena no matter how much she blusters and shrills her protests. T-rex decides…what the hey. Stopping her attack and placing a firm, well-muscled shoulder next to the Ref’s legs, she pushes with ease and accomplishment. The Dragonlady falls with a resounding plod into the squishy play area!

Unable to recover from the attack, Dragonlady sits with a marked frown on her mud-splattered face, becoming increasingly so as the contenders throw mud pies at the new prey.

Outrage and frustration on the Ref’s features has her shouting as loud as possible, ‘that's it, Proactive, T-Rex on the bench with the other sorry two. No excuses!’

‘Oh, sorry, Ref, didn’t know it was you, thought it was Guttermind. Mistakes happen, right?’ Praying for leniency. If Guttermind is left in the ring alone, she takes the crown and that’s not fair.

Guttermind grabs T-Rex off of Proactive’s back and let's her fall on her belly, the movement of mud splashing over everyone and covering the Ref like a stone statue.

'Sorry, Ref, didn’t see you, I prefer the penalty points if possible, Ref?’ An evil grin, barely discernable through the mud, flashes at the crowd who cheers and claps at her tactics.

If T-Rex was going down, she would do it in style. She grabs Guttermind’s leg and swings her to Proactive and the Ref. Proactive sticks her tongue out and ends up running around to grab Dragonlady and flip her over in a delicate action, or as delicate as you get in heavy mud, to T-Rex. Relishing the feeling of power they now had over the Ref, who had said she was the LAW, give em a break.

Knowing she’s at the mercy of the two demented contenders and no protection as Guttermind is somewhere under the mud, ‘Kiltgirl, Sideline, off that bench and get in here. You two can be my protection.’

Kiltgirl grins at the audience doing a twirl, which was not a good idea as the kilt lifts with a draft of air. But the woman doesn’t care, it would seem, as she waves to the loud cheers and jumps back into the ring followed closely by Sideline.

‘Dragon protection...I've been promoted.’

Sideline agrees with, ‘uhmm what Kiltgirl said, bruck bruck.’

Guttermind comes up for air in more ways than one and mutters with a pout, ‘ no, no, Ref…they are part of the mud wrestling team.’

Proactive, having heard the Ref’s strategy decides to get protection of her own. She flips on her belly towards Guttermind and pushes her face into the mud.

T-Rex fumes ‘this isn’t fair’ while Kiltgirl sweetly tells Dragonlady, ‘get behind me, we will work our way to the edge of the pit.’

Dragonlady does as bid, though can’t help the look of horror flash over her face as she looks at the back of Kiltgirl…something was missing.

Proactive beseeches T-Rex to run around the end and tail them  -- ‘I'll take the front with you in the back.’

Guttermind comes back up for air and decides ‘in for a penny in for a pound’ as she comes behind Ref and Kiltgirl, belly flopping on top of them with a smirk.

Sideline prances around the arena singing, ‘wow, mud security, high honor indeed’

T-Rex swings a hook at Kiltgirl making her fly over Dragonlady to land behind the bench just as she was attacked by Proactive who bit Rexie in the butt while pushing her down.

Rexie pouts and rubs the offended part of her anatomy towards the crowd basking in the cheers and lurid remarks, which she duly soaked up like a cat in heat.

T-Rex eyes glitter as you can almost see the thought patterns going through her head, biting, eh, now I can use my sharp teeth.

Dragonlady grimaces as the mud caked on her pristine clothes and body begins to bake under the intense heat of the lights and mutters ridiculously, ‘oh, look at me now, I'm all covered in mud!’

Guttermind, seeing her big chance for glory as she takes on the reigns of both competitor and Ref, loudly implores the others with the rules, ‘no biting, no pinching...just grabbing’

Proactive smiles as she shrugs, the mud slopping between her ample breasts, every single one of them covered from armpit to intimate crevice with mud.

Taking the initiative, Guttermind swings into action and feels around the mud and with a sexy wink at the Ref, she grasps the hip flask from the Dragonlady and offers it up in triumph, ‘you want some tea with your mud, eh?’

Proactive winks at the Ref as she remarks on the proffered Tea, ‘mud is good for what ails ya -- ya know.’

‘Yep, it sure is, cleanses your entire body.’ The Ref acknowledges as Guttermind pours the liquid into the mud caked receptacle on the hip flask and hands it over to the sulking mud mountain once called the cleanest Ref in the game, not so sure that would apply now.

Proactive is hauled back into the depths of the squelching mud whining pitifully, ‘hey -- no fair – Ref, help, she's picking on me -- sneaking another bite in the ankle.’

Kiltgirl meanwhile is looking thoughtful. Her eyes are attracted to a specific spot in the arena and whispers to Sideline,‘look in the mud, something bright and blinking, can it be...’

Dragonlady drinks thirstily from her tea and relaxes against the side of the structure smiling slightly, ‘hmmm, maybe this mud isn't so bad. It costs a fortune for beauty therapy and a mud pack, I could get used to this.’

T-Rex, annoyed that Guttermind is making a play on the Ref’s good side, if she has one, kicks mud in her face.

Guttermind, wiping the offending mud from her eyes, grins wickedly at the Ref, ‘that's right...so, if you can get it for free...’

Proactive listens intently from her frolicking in the mud pile and shouts out, ‘doesn't that mean we are all beautiful now???'

T-Rex notices another offending article and turns to Kiltgirl with a wicked glance, ‘Kiltgirl, here is yar hair thong. I found it in Guttermind’s hair.’

Proactive is otherwise engaged as she pulls something from her nose, which has taken up residence, ‘oh, did someone loose a nipple ring?’

Guttermind can’t believe it as she cringes at the thought of the piece of underwear on her head, ‘ugh!!! Get it off me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Kiltgirl coyishly smiles,‘I thought her head looked familiar. The question is…who took it off me?’

T-Rex sidles through the mud to a spot furthest away from the action and innocently announces, ‘don't look at me, Guttermind is the one who did the most grabbing.’

True to form, Guttermind makes the audience laugh with her reply, ‘they're very slippery when wet,’ followed by an evil grin.

Kiltgirl, 'I did feel something very familiar ...Guttermind.’

Dropping her head, her secret out, Guttermind finally raises shy eyes…barely slits…as the rest of her is covered in a brown murky layer of the wet stuff, ‘yep, that was me, Kiltgirl.'

Kiltgirl, ‘thought so my sweet Guttermind, shall we explore this later? In the shower perhaps.’

Guttermind grins wolfishly as she nods her head, the mud splattering in all directions, ‘Fancy a sauna too?’

T-Rex looks at the sorry state of the competition, which wasn’t a competition at all. The crowd must be really busted with this display tonight, and anyway, who won? 'Hey, Ref, who’s the winner this evening?’

Dragonlady sips delicately on her tea as she contemplates the sorry show this evening and stands resplendent in mud soaked clothing and an evil grin besides, ‘first one to find my missing glowing shoe is the winner.’ She says slowly making her way towards the exit of the arena. The mention of a shower was a great idea and she was going to make sure she had the only private cubicle, the rest of them could share the public one together.

All the contestants, bar one, jump into the mud and begin the search for the shoe, and no doubt came… across a few other parts…as legs fly in the air and spluttering and moaning can be heard from the depths of gook.

Just as Dragonlady drags herself out of the mud tub, Sideline slithers towards her and helps her out with a welcoming hand, ‘thanks, Sideline…my, what’s that in your other hand?'

Sideline delicately twirls the Ref’s ‘lost’ shoe in her hand and gallantly places it on the foot, ‘guess I win.'

Dragonlady gives the woman a suspicious glance and then in her loudest voice, hails Sideline the winner of the evening’s tournament. The crowd goes ballistic and the bookies all faint in their seats at the unexpected outsider winning the match!

Sideline makes the most of her win with the crowd as the Dragonlady leaves the stage for that shower, and if she’s lucky, one of those pretty young things might bring her a drink to settle her nerves.

Half an hour later, T-Rex grumpily stops looking for the missing shoe and looks around, the lights have dimmed in the auditorium and the only noise is the clean up team. What the hell!

“Hey, you lot, we’ve been duped!”

Guttermind, Kiltgirl and Proactive all surface much to, at least two, their disappointments. 'What?’

'Everyone’s gone?’

Guttermind looks around and shouts out to a cleaner, ‘who won?’ All the contenders’ eyes bulge as they hear the result. 'Why that scheming, no good Sideline!’ T-rex and Guttermind angrily cry at the same time.

Proactive and Kiltgirl grin,‘Hey, she deserves it. Now, I think, is a good time to take advantage of that shower, what do you say?’

T-Rex mutters under her breath then grabs Proactive’s hand, ‘did ya get the boobs?’

Proactive looks around the front row and sees her missing appendages, ‘yeah -- they look a bit battered, but with a little tender loving care, they will be up and running fine.’ Smiling knowingly at T-rex, who grins, they walk off hand in hand to the shower room.

Kiltgirl remarks teasingly as she watches them leave her and Guttermind alone,'do you need a battery charger, Proactive?’

Guttermind gives Kiltgirl a leer as she walks up behind her to help her out of the mud bath, ‘I was thinking you and me and…the lap dance you promised’

'Why, Guttermind, I didn’t know you cared…let’s get cleaned up and then you can have anything you desire, sweetness.’

Kiltgirl and Guttermind start to run down the corridor, boobs slapping Kiltgirl in the face.

T-Rex turns to take the applause of a lone spectator and laughs loudly at the sight before her, ‘oh, I thought someone was clapping to cheer us, it was yar boobs, Kiltgirl.’

Proactive laughs too as she pops her head from around the shower room door, ‘why, Rexie, grab her boobs so she doesn't get knocked out. You could make a template of your newest tit invention for her.’

All four laugh as they enter the shower area,‘you know we could always play tag in the shower…’

That’s all, Folks! Take it from me, on a ladies night anything can happen, anything at all!

SPLAT!!