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The doctor watched as her patient paced back and forth across the plush carpet.
“You seemed more disturbed today than usual. Want to talk about it?” She asked softly in her southern drawl. “Talk about it? Haven’t we talked about it till I am blue in the face?” The voice agitated and stressed. “You talk of it but never about what happened. Why not just start at the beginning and tell me what really happened.” “I’ve told you over and over again! We said we would all go down together!” “I understand that part but why does that phrase upset you so?” The doctor was hoping for a break through; they had never gotten much further than this. “That’s the cry that haunts me every night when I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up. Why you ask?” The patient just stared off into the distance. Finally, the words that always came were spoken in a defeated tone. “Because we didn’t!” “How does that make you feel?” “Ya know, Doc, no matter how many times I look at the events I always ask the same question…why not me?” “Why do you think you were the only one spared?” Shaking the blonde head the patient just looked at the doctor. “Why? Is a three letter word that holds the answer to such a larger picture. You’d think after all this time it would be just a memory; however, the question remains.” “Do you think it might be time now to let it all go? To tell everything that happened as you recall it occurring.” This was usually the question, which stopped the session. “I can’t live like this anymore, Doc. Maybe if I recall the memories I can finally come to terms with what happened and appease my conscience.” With that the patient flopped down on the comfortable couch. “Why not start with your first memory and go from there?” The doctor held her breath hoping this would be the day this would be the break through she had been hoping for. Haunted eyes turned to the doctor as a weary voice began a dialogue kept hidden for many years. * * * “It all started when I signed up as a raw recruit fresh out of college. I was rebelling in my own way from my strict upbringing. What I didn’t realized was that I left one strict discipline for another, I knew how that worked and quickly I was in charge of the recruits in my dorm. We progressed through the initial training eventually either passing or failing as we moved on to other units. I made the odd friend or two but as with all my relationships real life intervened and we drifted apart. I was posted to the assignment that would change my life when I was twenty-two. Funny, I thought I was an adult but was really no more than a child in a well disciplined body. Anyway, that seemed to work out fairly well for the most part! I even remember the first time we all came together as a unit. Gavin Forest, our Captain, who said he’d whip us into shape and kick the ass of anyone who came remotely between our goal and us. Raff Leonard, was the communication expert, who guarded his equipment with his life. Although we never voiced it, we were often grateful for that requisite on more than one occasion. Seb, was an enigma. To this day I’ll never really know how she ticked. Trent, was a joker; ideal to have in the barracks when things were tough and light relief was far away. Kar was Kar! Me! Yeah me I’m Pip the pipsqueak I could infiltrate places no one else could and they knew it. We were a unit and we had a job to do! What was the job you ask? We were snipers. Yeah, that special crack unit who took out the enemy before they saw it coming. At least that’s what the command believes and so did we…. However, before I go on much more I better tell you about the team and the events leading up to their demise. I see and relive the events over and over again…it is as though I am there but not…if that makes any sense. It is all so surreal yet I know I lived it. Kar was my friend, about the only person that I truly trusted in the world. She had an easygoing nature that fit my rather stoic one. Her brown eyes glowed when she was happy and smoldered dangerously when something upset her, which was rare thank goodness. She was a wonderful listener who made me feel special instead of just a number. In this world, for the moment at least, that’s exactly what we all were numbers, a rank and then maybe a name. As a lieutenant, she was second in command of our special unit, but that didn’t stop our friendship from developing. There she is talking with Gavin, her short titian hair shining, as the sun spread through the camp. Our captain is growling, as always, I don’t think that I’ve ever heard him speak in anything other than a growl. Can’t fail him on his dedication or his attention to his command; he gets the job done. I’ve been here six months now and know that in his hands I’m going to be as safe as anyone out here in the war zone. He’s a family man, which surprised me, as he looked the dedicated career solo guy. Still, appearances can be deceptive, and with a wife and two daughters under ten at home, he seemed to have it all. You have to wonder why he volunteered for this assignment when he could have gone home…another question that probably will never be answered. As my grey eyes scan our secure area I can see Raff hidden behind his box of tricks, as he calls the communications equipment, our only contact to the lifeline called base camp. The rest of the command waits there for our signal to move once our mission is fulfilled. The man was a true geek, no one could outstrip him knowledge wise on his kit or current technical trends. His hobby and his life were one in the same, which was pretty much Raff! He wasn’t overly friendly not a grouch either; both he and Trent seemed to be buddies to a degree. Talking of Trent, there he is trying again to chat up Seb, can’t blame him for trying, she was a leggy blonde and a beautiful woman, deadly too! However, that never deterred Trent he was a ladies man and if there was action to be had he was going to take his piece. Nice guy underneath when you waded through all the bullshit and the fountain of amazingly funny jokes. When things were stressed, Trent was the man, and nothing seemed to undermine his spirits. Moving back to Seb, she was beautiful sure, but as shallow as they came; the beauty literally only skin deep. An enigma, she refused to consort on a social level with anyone but a damn fine person to have at your side when the going was tough. That was all that mattered, we were here to do a job not take part in a popularity contest. Ah, I forget, you want to know what I was like too…okay here goes. Pip is my nickname, my real name is Nadia Owen, I’m short, which is why the nickname came into being way back when I started training. I have grey eyes, ash blonde hair, solemn countenance and I’m a crack shot if anyone asks. What more can you ask for in a dynamite package? Our mission was no more dangerous than previous ones we had, but Gavin seems edgy about something at our briefing. I can see the hesitation in Kar’s expressive eyes, she knows something is amiss, but will she ask? “Sir, is there anything else we need to know?” Good old Kar, she asks Gavin, who has always seemed to respect his second and rarely refuses to answer. His experienced eye travels over each of us before he speaks. Finally, clearing his throat and bending his head a fraction he says. “The original mission I was given has been changed. There has been a leak in information and the enemy knows we are out here! Consequently, we are bringing forward our attack. Figure we’ll take them by surprise regardless of what they know.” There is a heavy silence within the small area. The trees that camouflage us are swaying with the light breeze and the only sounds are the birds flying overhead. “Have we secured information from base, Captain?” “Base is unable to help us at the moment; we are alone on this one. We will use all the data we have and anything we can collect ourselves.” All eyes turn to the next person to them, sounds like a recognizance mission rather than a snipping. “Sir what are the plans?” Kar is ready to undertake the mission, as we all are. Hey, what does it matter to us? Stuff was leaked, it happened all the time, although rarely to us. We are very good at what we do; this was only a small bump along the way. “Pip and Raff, go on recognizance and the rest of us will follow in fifteen minutes. With Raff relaying Pip’s information we can take out the enemy as planned but at a different point. They will be surprised and we will go back to base as we expected.” Seems straightforward; we had done this type of covert operation before and hadn’t failed yet. This one wouldn’t be any different. “Okay Pip, Raff you stay behind with Kar and I’ll give you instructions. Seb and Trent collect the equipment we need and let’s have dinner then go.” Everything went well. We were briefed and sat together for a meal before the operation; it is a tradition with us. Captain insisted from day one to help build the team spirit and on missions like these needed everyone to work together. As always, our parting words and gestures are high fives and we all partially sing out, “We all go down together!” Yeah, I know, you think that a rather strange and perhaps morbid sentiment but for us it was a reassurance that we would all stick together regardless of the odds we faced…fate had been good to us so far. Raff and I collected our packs about to leave the camp when we hear Kar say, “Pip, keep that head of yours low, okay?” I turn to Kar, who is smiling that slow smile that makes me feel special, and I grin back at her. “Low? How low do you think I need to go?” I joke; she salutes Raff and me as we go in search of our quarry. Raff stays in contacted with Gavin and the rest as we settle in a pertinent point that I know will serve us well. I wasn’t wrong either, we see the convoy we‘re going to take out; they don’t look as if they know we are there. I suppose it gave us a false sense of security, as we flashed back details and as much about the firepower I could see. “Stay here Raff, I’m going to get closer?” I didn’t give Raff time to say anything as I sidled down the bank and crawled closer to the edge of the road. I am confident they couldn’t see me; they appear to be pre-occupied with muttering curses. Probably about their heavy packs and weapons, similar story the world over for a soldier, not that I was sympathetic, not me. That would mean I cared about my enemy and caring would only bring about disaster when you are in a combat situation. I crawl back to Raff as everything is going perfectly. I instruct him to relay my information to the others. At this rate, we will be back for breakfast, no problem. Raff does as instructed and I point to a ridge where we could monitor the progress of the foe. It is getting darker so they will probably settle for the night soon. Rarely does anyone in this area walk through the night and I am right. Ten minutes later the soldiers stop and began to arrange a makeshift camp. Once more we contact the others and arrange to meet them at a particular coordinate. Yep, it is a cool operation and confidence flows in abundance in this unit. Are you bored yet with the story? I thought so, sounds fairly straightforward, doesn’t it? Let me tell you, I wish that I could bore you some more but this is where everything takes a turn… I can’t recall exactly how it happened or at what moment, wish this was clearer; maybe it would give me answers. All I know is that Raff and I hear rustling towards our position, no panic it is easy to hide and most likely it is Seb or Trent ahead of the game, only fractionally of course the unit stick together it has to. The next thing I knew we were being shot at. We can’t see anyone and we don’t want to waste ammunition on ghost images. This isn’t good; the others will be within range now! Have we fucked up and the whole mission is now in jeopardy? “Pip where are they?” “Watch for the light from the shots.” It is all I can think of as dusk is upon us and it is the only advantage we have. “Pip you need to get out of here and warn the others!” Raff is right I know it. Nonetheless, I can’t just leave him, he is our coms man and you don’t leave the com behind; he’s far to valuable. “I can’t leave you behind! We go together or not at all.” “They would see me, Pip, you are a wonder at losing yourself. The Captain needs to be warned and we can’t risk the radio link.” True, the Captain needs to be warned but we don’t know anything and they will be at the coordinates by now. It is already too late. Either we had been infiltrated, or somehow we gave our positions away. Maybe they have access to our radio wavelength but knowing Raff that is highly improbable. It is possible the bastards were ready for us and are cleverer than we thought. “We go together!” He sighs silently as I see him rolling his eyes. I wonder if he has succumbed to my charm or is it common sense? As we listen intently for noises from the undergrowth I am struck by how silent it all is. There should be lots of noises, if the soldiers are settling for the evening. There was nothing! “Raff, I’m going to take a peek at the convoy, I’m not going without you okay?” “Sure, I’ll watch your back.” I scurry to a point I hope doesn’t draw any attention to me. What I see next made my jaw drop wanting to scream out this isn’t how it is suppose to be. There, instead of soldiers ready to call it a day is a mocked up camp. The soldiers are settling into battle positions ready and waiting for an attack. The shooting had been to take our attention away from the soldiers and put us into secrecy mode. It had all been a wonderful game plan and was working beautifully. The others, if they tried to attack now, would be slaughtered and it would all be my fault! How do I stop it, how, how? I scramble back to Raff and give him the details. He is shocked and for the first time I see him angry, his face turning red and eyes flashing; reminding me of Kar. As I think of her a sick feeling hits the pit of my stomach, she is in danger! No, they are all in danger. “Raff, call the Captain, to hell with what happens next we need to warn them. Do it now!” “Yeah, the bastards, yeah, I’m right with you there Pip.” It isn’t hard to figure out that the soldiers who were close to our position would hear the transmission and we were most likely dead meat. We accept that fate, actually had accepted it many months ago, it was only a matter of time…we had had good times though, very good! What happens next you ask or do you? Have you already made up your mind? I recall it in a haze, the flashing of gunfire at our position. The scream of panic from Raff, as he was hit in the head with a single bullet, his eyes fevered and puzzled. The final moment of his life when he realizes that death is upon him, a fleeting moment only, as the bullet pierces his brain, that brilliant mind of his, spilled out on the ground before me. Did he get through to the others? This is a question I will never have an answer to and no matter how hard I want to recall Raff’s final words. Trauma and memory loss making sure I will never find the answer. You will want to know what happened to the others I suspect? I was struck by a bullet in the shoulder, and lay bleeding profusely as the soldiers came closer to our position, they knew we had fallen, how did they? Because we never responded in firepower after the initial burst from my machine gun, moments after seeing Raff die before me I went down as well. Why I’m still alive and the soldiers never finished me off I will never know for sure. Except to this day I believe it was the appearance of the rest of the team firing at the convoy that saved my life. Several hours later I woke up in a pool of my own blood, dawn had broken and my body was half camouflaged by the undergrowth and therefore undetected by the enemy or so I thought at the time with those first lucid moments. I dragged my pain-racked body upwards and crawled over to the edge of the clearing. Yes, stupid it may have been but what did I know in those initial moments. What I saw broke my heart, yet at the same time became a great source of pride and testament to the courage of our unit! Laid in various spots were the bodies of the unit, along with far more of the soldiers of the foe…it wasn’t a pretty sight, death never is. However, the death of friends made my stomach spin, dip, dive and generally make me want to jump off this roundabout called life. I couldn’t leave; I had to know if anyone was alive. It didn’t matter if more soldiers were around; at that moment, my oath still stood…we all go down together! Gathering what little energy I had, I dragged, staggered and generally pushed myself beyond my usual physical pain threshold to the site of my fallen comrades. I was crying the tears stung my eyes and dripped onto my dirt streaked face, I felt more pain with the tears, which were like acid attacking my resolve, I am a soldier, aren’t I? Why am I crying? I stumbled into the broken body of Trent, his face contorted in the pain of being used for target practice. The body riddled with bullet holes and blood congealing everywhere. He had taken many others along for the ride down the river of death I could see that as I reverently closed his eyes. Struggling along to the next of my colleagues, who laid face down in the mud. Water from a tropical shower creating the impression that had the victim survived the bullets; they may have drowned in the two inches of water that had collected around them. Seb, her blonde hair matted in blood. At first, I was unable to turn her over for fear of what I would see there. Nightmares had never been something I had suffered from until that day; however they would haunt me for the rest of what life had to offer me. I had to check it was my duty to see if she managed by a miracle to survive. Alas, she had not and even had she I doubt she would have wanted to. Her face was no longer recognizable, beyond that I refuse to elaborate, suffice to say, I was sick at that moment and no one would have called me a chicken! I scrambled over the enemy bodies they were of no consequence to me; I was only interested in my people they were what mattered, the others deserved to be dead! My anger was building as I saw the crumbled body of our leader, Gavin. His hand around the radio; had he been speaking with Raff at the time? Had he died at the same time as Raff? I would never know for sure, my tortured mind hoped that they had died simultaneously. They would go together on their onward journey; it was a fantasy that made me smile inwardly. Yes, surrounded by death, the stench unable to permeate into my mind, the true horror sinking in surreally, it was a dream…no! This was the nightmare I talked of earlier it had to be! I was alive wasn’t I? We had promised…we would all go down together! I fell to my knees as the sobs wracked my small body, for the first time in my life I wanted to go home, I wanted the security and sanity that my family offered. I didn’t want this anymore I wanted to wake up in my bed with the candy stripe curtains billowing in the spring breeze. I wanted to feel the softness of the down mattress allowing me the luxury of turning over and sleeping an extra hour at the weekends or a school vacation. My deranged eyes opened scanning the area for one other body, I know you thought I had forgotten didn’t you? How could I ever forget Kar? No matter how many bodies I turned over and checked I did not find hers and eventually my strength gave out and I too crumbled to the ground, no longer able to see anything but a haze. The pain intensifying as I tried and failed to crawl back to the undergrowth and the radio that Raff was slumped over in the undergrowth. My last thought before the blackness overcame me, my Kar had been lost to the enemy….” * * * Nadia lay on the couch as the tears she denied herself for years were freely falling. “How do you feel now Nadia?” The doctor flicked away the tears in her eyes. She looked at the doctor with a pensive look. “Now, years later I look at that time with horror and sadness but pride too in that my friends although they had died are still with me today; I will never truly forget them.” The doctor felt it safe to push this a bit further. “Is there anymore to your story? How has this event affected your life?” “Hmmm, to complete the story I should tell you that the base camp sent out a recovery unit and they found me two days later barely alive. I was sent home and recuperated with my parents, who had changed a great deal since I had last seen them. Or, was it that I had changed and now was no longer a child thinking she was an adult? Experience making me more appreciative of the life I still held when others had not. I have a family of my own now. When I look at my youngest and wonder if she will be as sullen and awkward as I had been in youth. Each day I thank God that wars for many of us are now in the past and that peace reigns, or so we all hoped. Truth is we will never have peace in humanity until we all learn to live together without hatred and envy, sounds so simple…. Bet you think I’m going to leave without telling you what happened to Kar. I have already told you the worst of it so this should be simple. Shouldn’t it? In real terms, I don’t fully know what happened to Kar. When I finally recovered my health and sanity enough to ask I heard lots of stories. Traitor! That was the word that was used in the end and eventually I had to stop asking or the fingers would start pointing in my direction. No way was I a traitor to my country…perhaps to my friends, as we hadn’t kept the pact to go down together. I, for many years, hoped that they were wrong about Kar and the enemy had captured her. That she had been a victim along with the rest of on that fateful day Although, when I analyzed the facts of those hours it was clear we had been sold out and it had to be someone inside the unit; the others were dead. I had been hovering between life and death for days but eventually was exonerated of any blame in the incident. Kar could not defend herself and no more was heard of her. Not even her family made encores after the conflict ended. Assumptions were made that they knew their kin had gone over to the other side and were too ashamed of her actions to ask anything. Five years later I did! As you can imagine I wasn’t the most popular kid on the block when I did. I persevered though, for four years and finally, finally the truth came out. At the time my lips were sealed on the subject, but now, twenty years after the conflict, I can say what really happened to her. My colleague, buddy, close personal friend and a wonderful soldier wasn’t a traitor she was a double agent, had been trained to infiltrate the other side and allow them to think that she was working for them. What sickened me the most was that our unit had been sacrificed so she could look good in the eyes of the enemy. It was a tactical move from high command. I had tears streaming down my face when I read the pertinent documents for that calculated mission. I screamed accusingly at the officer who was helping me go through the information. He was an experienced Major from that campaign area too and knew what hurt the most, betrayal! Betrayal not by the enemy but from our own commanders! How did you equate the deaths of the unit with such a calculated act? What became of Kar? I honestly don’t know and have never found out, it’s secret, even today. I often see someone in the street that reminds me of her, and I almost make a fool of myself and have on more than one occasion. As I’ve rushed up to them with hope in my eyes, which is then dashed as it’s only the hair coloring or the eyes that are similar. Over the years I’ve wondered what she really thought as she saw people who she had been friendly with die because of her, albeit in the cause of a greater picture or so they thought at the time. Did she feel remorse, sadness, and horror as she saw her comrades fall? Did she even give us a second thought? Or was she as calculated as her commanders who had sent her on that fateful mission? Only she can tell me, only she can answer the questions that will haunt me the rest of my life. I said earlier that humanity would never ever have peace while we hate and envy others. Perhaps I need to resolve my own hatred for Kar. Because, at the end of the day, she wasn’t my friend; she sold me out and what did we gain? Perhaps, one day, if she survived her double agent life, she might turn up at my door and explain it all to me and maybe just maybe I’ll forgive her!" “Do you think you can do that Nadia?” “I am not sure Doc, first I have to see if the nightmares still haunt me.” “Nadia, how are you coping with the loss of your partner? Do you think that brought this all on at this time?” “Maybe, but there is more to it than that.” She whispered. “Please, tell me.” Nadia’s voice was low and trembling. “I’m glad.” The doctor had to strain to hear what she said. “Glad? For what?” “That I didn’t die. We didn’t all go down together.” “Why?” “Love. I would never have known love or what it is like to have children. Does that make me a bad person…a traitor?” She was whispering as if she was afraid of who might hear. Walking over to her patient, the doctor knelt down and looked straight into those grey eyes. “No, Nadia, it makes you human.” Smiling she added. “Just like the rest of us.” Nadia felt a sense of relief. Maybe, after all these years, she could let Pip go and begin to live her life again. “Yes, I am, aren’t I?” Smiling the doctor stood up and held out her hand to her patient. “It is okay that you lived, Nadia. That was your miracle and your children are the gift you and your partner gave the world. Perhaps that is why you survived. Did you ever consider that? Miracles happen all around us everyday all you must do is be open to seeing them.” She put her arm around Nadia’s shoulders as they walked to the door. “Our children are the miracle, Doctor. Thank you for sticking by me all these months and hounding me to come to terms with my ghosts. I will see you again next week.” Smiling she opened the door to her life as she did so she noticed a sign on the corridor leading to the exit. As she read it her smile grew wide how very right it was… * * *
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